Women's Comedic Monologues

Hello! I'm wondering if you've ever considered owning the Encyclopedia Brittanica? I know it's thousands of dollars, and heavy, and you can just check Wikipedia for things, but holding knowledge, right? The weight of knowledge, amirite? No? No. Yeah. Paper, ugh. Save the trees! Are you a conservationist? I LOVE nature. It's cool you get out at your age. Not that you're old! I think you look great. What's your beauty regimen? Oil of Olay? Oh I hear that. Natural. Au natural. I'm just wearing make-up cuz of the job. If I had it my way there'd be no make-up and I'd be in overalls covered in dirt. Cuz, nature. Wait, did you say you liked nature? You do! Oh. Phew! I was worried, because I LOVE nature. Yes, you are correct, I did say that already. I’m just  really glad to hear that. It's good to find another nature lover. People with similar interests should stick together. No I'm not trying to be creepy. Weird? Weird is what I'd go with. I can only be me, I guess. And I know you don't know who I am, but we've got nature in common! Which is a starting point. So. Um. Hi Dad. 

And the little Birdie said “tweet TWEET tweet” and Molly laughed. The- hell? Where- Elise? Elise?! Get out from the closet and lay back down, I'm only reading you a story. I’m only a Princeton PhD reading you a bedtime story, no need to pay attention. And I know it's not Proust but my interpretation can't be that bad. Granted many people wouldn't have put the emphasis on the second "tweet" and simply read them all with the same inflection. But wasn't it Auden who said the lazy ear is shocked by- a bucket? Is this some sort of metaphorical protest? This bucket on your head? It not my fault if the pacing of the book is trash. I would never have included all the exposition with the fairy princess who never effects the plot. So if you get bored before we get to the part with the dragon, don’t take it out on me. So you can get rid of the bucket. Anytime. Listen, Elise, I’m not doing this just because I like to hear myself talk. There are other reasons. Foremost among them is I owe your mother for talking me out of a tattoo, but I don’t have to do- airplane noises? You’re just going to wash me away in some kind of sonic drone? Elise? Please. Elise? ELISE! Thank- on no, don’t cry. Don’t cry. Hey, heyyyyy, I think it’s great you hold strong opinions about literature, but as you grow into a strong, independent woman you need to remember to respect your elders who came- oh god that makes me sound old. You know what? Screw it. You wanna eat chocolate while I drink wine? Thattagirl.

Ok. Ok. I think we got off on the wrong foot and I want to apologize for my part in that. Although you’re no walk in the park either, if we’re being honest. You can be real jerk actually. But, that’s not the point of this chat. We’re going to be spending a lot of time around each other in the future and I want us to be friends. I know that when I’ve asked you to do things, sometimes I can come off as harsh. But I can promise you that I will be less harsh if you stop doing things that piss me off. See? I can be reasonable. And you may know nothing about fashion and have absolutely zero taste, but I am willing to take up my own time and teach you. I am willing to do that because I am the bigger person. I just don’t think you hear me when I’m talking to you. Like now. You’re not even paying attention. Hey. HEY. (Snaps fingers) Sit. SIT. Good. Good boy. I think we have an understanding. But I swear on Louis Vuitton's grave that if I catch you chewing another pair of my shoes I will make you the first Chihuahua to run the Iditarod. Now go play.   

Listen, I’m going to have to stop you there. I know we just started, but, you see, I can’t stand you and listening to your problems makes me insane. You’re confused about whether you should go back to Equestrian or being a ballerina! Do either! You'll still be rich! Do you know where I was last night? Yeah, neither do I. But I do know that my underwear ended up on the horns of a mounted moose head. Because apparently I befriended a guy named Bubba. Not a nickname! Actual name! It seems I followed his instagram last night which is how I saw my underwear on the internet this morning. And while you’re wondering how I got myself into this, I’m actually wondering where the hell is there a bar in this town with mounted moose heads. And not even because I’m worried about what they think, but because I don’t think there IS a bar like that in town. I was probably in ANOTHER town last night, which will make it nearly impossible to get my underwear back. And yes, this may seem crazy to you, but the point is I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO. Other therapists?! Who do you think was there with me?! People talk a lot about strippers, but have you ever done blow off the back of a therapist? And don't give me the "confused look". Yes the "confused look". You have two looks, bemused acceptance of your laughably wealthy state, and confusion.  

Yes confusion! Do you know how ironic it is to be confused about having a confused face?! You didn't understand why people looked down on you for getting a pony as a child! You actually got a pony! Oh, well I suppose you've graduated to three faces with shock. My bad.

So. Uh.  How does that make you feel?

Hope, a stewardess, addresses the plane through the speaker phone. At all times she is a model of happy poise and grace.

Hope: Hello and thank you all for flying with us today. To those of you already congregating at the back bathroom what the hell were you doing in the airport? What, Angela? No one is paying attention. Watch. If anyone can hear me raise your hand and I’ll show you my tits. (Beat) Anyway where was I? In the event that our flight suddenly becomes a cruise, that would suck wouldn’t it? The fasten seatbelt sign has been lit and if you don’t know how to put one on, this is called an airplane and it goes vroom in the sky you complete dipshit. If there is a sudden loss of cabin pressure it’s probably because one of the doors just popped off. That keeps happening. The emergency exits are located where ever the door just popped off. FAA regulations require us to remind you that if you haven’t slapped your small child yet please do so now. I’m going to go read my lady smut in the jump seat and I can’t get off anymore without the sound of babies crying. As always we know that you could have flown with anyone else and from the bottom of our hearts we're begging you to do so in the future. Thanks again and Angela if you even think about calling HR I’ll tell them you hide all your blow in tiny baggies in your butt.  

Hope drops the phone like a mic and walks off.  

Excuse me. Hi. Do you know how I order- Oh you don’t work here. Sorry. My mistake. I didn’t mean to imply you’re wearing a uniform or something. It’s a lovely dress. Did you get it at Nordstrom? I was just there looking for a dress for this date and it looks a lot like some they had. My date’s been here before and knows how to order, but he hasn’t showed up yet- Yeah, no, you should eat before your food gets cold. (Pause) Excuse me. Do you- What? No, I’m not selling anything, I just- Well I’m taking up a table because I’m waiting for my date. He was already supposed to be here actually. No, I don’t know how long he’ll be, he hasn’t responded to any of my texts. Oh, um, sure, you can have the table. It is pretty busy in here. Not like I’ve been waiting for half an hour, but yeah you can have the table. Well, I’m sorry if that was passive-aggressive, but how would you feel if your date stood you up at a restaurant you’ve never been to and everyone is treating you like some crazy woman simply because you don’t know how to order, and heaven forbid you attempt to rely on the kindness of strangers- Good. Good! CALL THE MANAGER! I doubt he even exists! Does anyone actually work here?! What is this place, some futuristic restaurant where everything is automated and you order from touch screens like some robotic- Oh I see, you do order from touch screens. Oh my god this looks delic- Yes sir I was just leaving. 

Hi! Hello. I’m new in town and I’m trying to get to know my neighborhood and I gotta say, “Meat is Murder” is a strong choice for a business name. What exactly do you do? 

You’re a butcher shop...

What? Like are you like Pro-murder? That’s FINE if you are. I’m not trying to tell you how to do your business. Tho I mean that’s probably NOT fine because murder is like/ What? Oh. You’re a vegan butcher shop.

HA! Haha! (begins to realize this is not a joke and tries to play off his laughing as coughing.) Sorry. I’m just getting used to... this, different kind of... pollen? Can I get a water?

Thank you. Make sure it’s free range! Not bred in captivity. 

Yes! An organic water would be cool. No chemical water for this guy! Wanna keep my chakras... color coordinated. So, um, where’s the beef... substitute? Is it under the... kale? 

Oh. Thank you. (Quickly) “Textured Soy Protein, Yellow Mustard, Apple Cider, Vinegar, Brown Sugar, Chili Powder, Olive Oil, and Molasses” is what I MEANT to say. 

Yeah it was just a phrase my dad used to say. “Where’s the beef? Under the pickle.” 

I don’t really get it either. 

(Short Pause)

So were you like, raised by cows? 

That was a joke. 

Haha. Jokes right? 

So how do you know what beef tastes like?

(Reacting to a question) It is not my intention to be fucking with you AT ALL. It’s just that if you want people to stop eating meat, by making a product that tastes like meat, you have to know what murder tastes like. 

Wait... Can you like, taste the murder? Like does it taste different from the meat? And if it does, could you separate it from the meat taste? Cuz then you could open another store and call it like, “Murder taste.” 

(Long pause. Then awkward silence cough.) 

Can I get that water? Whew! Thank you. You know what’s murder? Flowers! 

Because they make pollen. 

And attract bees. 

(Very excited thought) You guys ever try making meat out of bees?! 

Totally. I would be so happy to get the fuck out now. 

BLACKOUT

LEAH: Yeah, well I don’t care, um (she looks at name tag) McMitchell. Is that even a real name? Sounds like a scotsman screwed a loaf of wonderbread. Well, I’m gunna say whatever I want! If it’s my right to remain silent then it’s my right to tell you that that nightstick shouldn’t be out during the day. So go put it somewhere the sun doesn’t shine. Your ass, my love life, whatever, you choose. Just figure it out quick ok? At this rate I’ll be too old to date Dicaprio. Leonardo Dicaprio? Do they have movies in the cave you live in? Well, he only dates girls that are 26 tops. Hey needle dick! I can definitely pass for 26! So are you taking me to jail or what? Yeah, go ahead! I dare you! Seriously, see if I care. Hey! Don’t leave! I’m being disorderly over here! (Beat) Look I live by the jail and I don’t have money for an Uber. No shit? You will? Woo! (Beat) Um, will you still put the handcuffs on me? I was kinda looking forward to that. 

CATHERINE: Keep moving! Nothing to see here! 

(She turns her head towards the audience and sees someone approaching)

Hey! Don’t step on the Ant trail!

(She now dives into a plank, covering the ants like a human tent.) 

Walk around! Get in the street if you- 

(She cocks her head up)

Oh.

(The person she’s yelling at is a very attractive stranger. She now struggles to find a graceful way back to standing)

Um, Hi. Hold-

(She finds her way to a knee) 

Hold on. 

(To the Ants) Sorry fellas! 

(She then cocks her other leg high in the air as she rolls out onto the ground and into standing. She is now VERY close to the attractive stranger) 

Um.

(She takes a step back)

Hi! I’m- OH MY GOD

(She realizes she may have stepped on the ants. She does a quick step forward, now again too close to the attractive stranger.)

Excuse me

(She spins in place not knowing where to go and decides to step off to the right. At which point the attractive stranger begins to walk forward and she is compelled to step in his way to protect the ants)

Sorry! Hi. Yes, I know you’re going to work. Um, so are they. Ha. You wouldn’t want a thousand foot tall person blindly stepping on you on your way to work right? (beat) You wouldn’t? Wait. Really? You understand?! 

(She turns back to the ants, bends over, ass fully in the air)

You guys, he gets it! Yes! I was just about to!

(She bends back up)

I’m- 

(She looks and notices the attractive stranger is gone)

Shit. 

Oh my god, Brett I- I said Brett- EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP! Do you know how hard it is to be a librarian in this noise? No. You don’t. You DON’T. How could you? You’ve never been a librarian. You may try to imagine it but that doesn't really mean you can do it. Imagining the fictional version of yourself doesn’t mean you understand it, viscerally. The visceral nature of life is unique. And for me this noise, base noise, constantly interrupting my train of thought, pricking my ear, diverting my attention, like some sadistic jingle stuck in my head: “Nationwide is on your side”, “By Mennen”, “AFLACK!” (To random lady) Don’t like that lady? Now you share in the visceral nature oh my experience. (To Brett) Oh, I am embarrassing you Brett? (To Her Father) Father stay out of it! I don’t care if I’m on the Jumbo-Tron! This is a decision of momentous weight and I can’t think because the Blue Angels just buzzed the stadium! 

I gotta tell you Brett, you shoulda known better than to try this here. I said YOU SHOULD HAVE- oh forget it, SURE LETS GET MARRIED!

Oh my goooooooood, I love your doooooooooog. 

What? No. I’m not High. I just love animals. But I take your question as the universe telling me that my love for animals is so light and free that it may appear like I’m under the effects of hallucinogenic substances. Which I’m not opposed to, but I’m totally not under the influence, right now. For instance, I’d be all over you right now if I was high. What? No not you, the dog. (To dog) We’d be rolling in the grass and I’d make him a necklace! Oh! He’s a her?! I’m sorry. (“I wanna squeeze him” voice) I did not mean to assume your gender. No I didn’t. (To guy) Anyway. I’m sure other people find you attractive. You have this great Alan Rickman thing going. Well dead or not he was good, at being, Alan Rickman. I’m sensing some serious hostility coming from you. So I think we should just part casually without acrimony. It’s not you, it’s me. But, I’m keeping the dog.