Plays

ACT I

Chicago. 1924. Spring. Early evening. 

Lights up on a large, expensive, yet spare apartment. Couch down center with a coffee table and flanked by two armchairs. Drinks cart UL and dining set w/record player DL. Many doors; A main entrance UC, two bedrooms CL and CR, a kitchen UL, a closet UR, a powder room SR, a balcony SL. A big bushy plant is DR.

Suddenly Elise and Ethan come bursting thru the door, embracing, laughing and kissing. 

Ethan: Should we keep our voices down?

Elise: No one lives above me. 

Ethan: Aren’t there people beneath you?  

Elise: Yes, but I’ll never let them get to me. I’m going to go change. (She crosses to the UR Bedroom) 

Ethan: Want me to pour us some wine? 

Elise: I’ve never turned down communion. (She exits UR bedroom door)

Ethan: (Looking thru the wine cart) Everything is in french. (Yelling To Elise) How am I supposed to know what’s good? 

Elise: (Yelling From off) Put your hand on one. 

Ethan: Ok?

Elise: Are you touching it?

Ethan: Yes. 

Elise: It’s good. 

Ethan: Very funny. 

(Elise reenters in a silk robe) 

Ethan: There’s nothing funny about that. 

Elise: I’m sure I can get noise out of you somehow. (Elise extends her hand. Ethan goes to take it. Elise smacks it.) Wine glass. Your responsibility was wine. 

Ethan: I don’t know french. 

Elise: Says you. 

Ethan: Well, I don’t read french. How am I supposed to know what’s good?

Elise: Simple rule. Pick one. 

Ethan: Are you really going to pull my leg the same way in the same moment?

Elise: Pull your leg repetitively? Me? Pick one. 

Ethan: (Ethan picks one): Ok. 

Elise: Is it red? 

Ethan: Yes. 

Elise: Is it old enough to go to grammar school?

Ethan: (Inspects the year) Yes. 

Elise: Then prepare to enjoy liquid pedophilia. 

Ethan: Elise! Is that necessary? 

Elise: This robe isn’t necessary. Are you bothered by that too?

Ethan: (Opening wine) Come to think of it…

Elise: Well, you’ll remain bothered until you pour that little French girl into my glass. 

Ethan: You’re really ruining red wine for me. 

Elise: Pedophilia still ok then? 

Ethan: No! … (Ethan goes to pour and finds he really doesn’t want to) 

Elise: (takes his hand) Like this. (Together they grab the bottle, pour, and drink) That’s not so bad is it? 

Ethan: Well I guess this is better than eating an apple. 

Elise: If I were truly Eve, that apple tree would have been safe from me. The Knowledge of Good and Evil comes from grapes and grains.

(They drink, kiss)

Ethan: How do you have a key to this place? It’s incredible.

Elise: Old family friend. They’re out of town a lot. 

Ethan: It’s enormous. 

Elise: The owner loves to hear that. 

Ethan: You know them well? 

Elise: Better than most. 

Ethan: And they’re out tonight?

Elise: For a couple more days. So we can make ourselves comfortable. 

Ethan: Oh really? (re: robe) You got another one of those? 

Elise: Yes, you’ll find one in the other room. 

Ethan: (looking around at the multitude of doors) Um…

Elise: (Pointing to UL Bedroom) That one. 

Ethan: (re: wine glass) I’ll leave this with you. 

Elise: Ethan, are you trying to take advantage of me? Leaving me to get drunk? (She hands him back the glass.) Drink up baby. The night is young. 

(Ethan grabs the glass, kisser her, and exits UL Bedroom) 

(Elise, happily and lazily, walks over to the record player and puts on a record. Light, jazzy.)

(UC William Enters. Elise is frozen, but not undone.)

William: (Seeing Elise in her robe) Elise. Is it my birthday? 

Elise: Does it have to be? 

William: Good record. 

Elise: I thought you’d like it. 

William: Your thoughtfulness is a trait I wish you were more celebrated for. 

Elise: That’s sweet of you William. But you know I hate parades in my honor. All that attention. 

(William walks over to Elise and goes to kiss her)

Elise: What day is it? 

William: June 25th. 

Elise: 25th? I thought it was the 23rd?

William: Nope. 25th. (He goes to kiss her again)

Elise: If it’s the 25th, then it isn’t your birthday.

William: Then I’ll leave the robe on you. (They kiss) 

Elise: You know what? Let’s get out of here. Let me meet you downtown.

William: What’s gotten into you? 

Elise: I’m not always checking. 

William: Wine.  

Elise: Need we count that? 

William: Not usually. 

Elise: Ooo, if I didn’t like you I’d slap you. 

William: You’d slap me anyway. Let me drop my things and get changed. I have someone/ (William goes to exit to UL bedroom.) 

Elise: No! Let’s not waste the time. You head out to La Tour and I’ll get dressed and be right behind you. 

William: (Crosses back to Elise. Kisses her playfully.) Who’s here? 

Elise: I resent that. 

William: That’s a strange name. 

Elise: Don’t be an asshole. 

William: Language. 

Elise: Don’t be such a fucking asshole. 

William: Does "I resent that” know I’m here? 

Elise: No, which is why you’re leaving. 

William: This is my apartment Elise. I designed the building. 

Elise: You should build another one, really quickly. 

William: I have a guest coming over tonight. I’m not going anywhere. And you’re not supposed to be here for dinner, much less with an attachment. How old is he, anyway?

Elise: Fuck you. 

William: Language. 

Elise: Is a tool for communicating ideas like fuck you. 

William: Younger than poor James? He was a quick fling. But he had an actual name, so there’s that. 

Elise: I won that bet. You chide me, but what about/

William: /She said she was 18!

Elise: And she turned out to be 25. 

William: It was so disappointing. 

Elise: You lost that bet. 

William: Well, despite all that one should try to maximize an evening. 

Elise: You maximize easily.  

William: Thank you. But there was no bet regarding that one boy/

Elise: That is not fair. I was simply watching a senior recital/

William: /And didn’t realize he was a Sophomore.

Elise: It was a SENIOR RECITAL.

William: What were you doing there anyway? Scouting? 

Elise: Don’t be crass William. 

William: Oh heaven forbid this discussion turn “crass”, someone might get the vapors.

Elise: I don’t have time for this. 

William: I think you do. You’re here with all night plans it seems.  

Elise: So we have time to discuss what you did with Mrs. Henry and her daughter?

(beat)

William: I don’t have time for this. My guest will be here soon. 

Elise: Who’s your guest?

William: I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.  

Elise: What a boring wager. So equal. I’m sure you can do better than that. 

William: I kick you out and see him anyway as you both leave?

(beat) 

Elise: Go out onto the balcony. 

William: Yours hasn’t been on the balcony this whole time? 

Elise: No, that’s where you’ll be when I move him. 

William: Out? 

Elise: Yes. 

William. Good. (William exits Balcony.) 

Elise: Of your room. (Elise Crosses into UL Bedroom) (A knock at the UC door.) (Elise brings out Ethan still undressing) How much clothing do you wear? 

Ethan: Men wear a lot! Women just get to wear a dress and we have layers upon layers. It’s oppressive. Who’s idea is all this?! 

(Knock at the door) 

Ethan: Who’s that?

Elise: Ugh! Solicitors. Let’s hide in my room. They can’t know we’re here. 

Ethan: Hide from Solicitors? How important could they be? 

Elise: Just think of the people who solicit penthouses!

Ethan: Is that something that happens? 

Elise: Would you know if it didn’t?! Go. Go!

(Ethan hurries into the other room. Elise pauses for a second to look thru the peep hole at who’s waiting and she sees Iris. Elise gives a wry chuckle, and exits UR Bedroom)

(A second, louder knock)

William: (Entering from Balcony) Of course she didn’t tell me when she left. 

(William opens door) 

Iris: Hey! (She leaps upon him with a hug.) Look at that, we’re wearing the exact same color scheme. Spooky. 

William: Sorry for not coming to the door more quickly. 

Iris: I’m the early one. (Looks around) This place is cavernous. 

William: Good word. 

Iris: I’m sure you barely hear things at all. Oh my goodness I love this record. (She crosses DL to the record player and sits)

William: It’s my one of my favorites. Can I get you something to drink?

Iris: Chocolate milk. 

William: Does that include vodka? 

Iris: It can tonight. I’ll have a gin and tonic. What are you having? 

William: Whatever you’re having. 

Iris: I’m so thrilled to see the inside of this place. I’ve adored it from the outside for so long. 

William: Oh, thank you. This was supposed to be my crown jewel. 

Iris: What would that be for you? Safire? 

William: That’s an amazing guess. You must have been looking at the tones of the wallpaper. 

Iris: No. I’m looking at you. 

(William crosses to sit next to her. As he does he hears something like a tumble from the UR bedroom. 

William: I want you to see the view while I check on something. 

Iris: You won’t join me? 

William: I want you to take it in like I took it in; in solitude. Then maybe you can make it new for me again with how you see it. 

Iris: I’ll give it close inspection. 

William: I have no doubt. 

Iris: (Looking at all the doors) Shall I take the tour of the doors or will you lend me a hand? 

William: (Pointing to Balcony) It’s that one there. 

Iris: I’ll let you know what beauty I find. (She exits) 

William: (re: Iris) Mirror’s in the powder room. (William crosses to the UR bedroom, thinks, and begins to make quiet but audible cat noises. Soon enough, in her robe, Elise enters.)

Elise: What?

William: We have different interpretations of the word “out”.

Elise: Shouldn’t you be busy with someone in the other bedroom? 

William: It’s not like that. 

Elise: Oh. No. Oh, no. Where did it go? 

William: Excuse me? 

Elise: (Looking in drawers, opening doors) Your… your… manhood. I can’t sense it… anywhere… in the… state. 

William: You’re very/

Elise: Wait. (Grabbing a jar) Nope those aren’t your balls. You were saying? 

William: (Controlled quiet) I am trying/

Elise: Oh no! You’ve lost your lower register. 

William: Ok. 

Elise: Don’t get mad. Are you mad? 

William: Do I look mad? 

(Elise takes a good hard look at William. Adjusts. Sighs. Maybe does the fingers in a rectangle framing William.) 

William: You have to go.  

Elise: I live here too. 

William: I gave you a key. 

Elise: And a room. Is that not my room anymore?

William: Of course it is. But you have your own place. (Beat) How are you and Roger? 

Elise: Pour me a drink. 

William: We haven’t time. 

Elise: Pour me a shot. 

William: (Crosses to cart. Grabs gin. Pours it straight into a glass.) Here. 

Elise: A lady doesn’t drink alone. (William goes to retort) And a gentleman doesn’t make cheap comebacks. (William pours himself the same) What’s it to?

William: Answering questions. 

Elise: May we never have to! (She drinks)

William: Elise, why aren’t you at your place? 

Elise: (Elise waits for him to drink, he gets the hint and does) Because I’m avoiding Roger. 

William: Why are you avoiding your fiancé? 

Elise: Please don’t use that word. 

William: Betrothed? 

Elise: Stop.

William: Forever intended? 

Elise: I hate you. 

William: I know. 

Elise: You have to let me stay tonight. 

William: In another room, here, with someone else? 

Elise: Your guest can join us too. 

William: No, I can’t / 

(at this moment Iris enters from the balcony and Elise bolts into the bedroom for a perfect double door slam.)

William: / Believe you took all that in so fast. 

Iris: Did I slam the door that loud? I am so sorry. 

William: No! No. Not your fault at all. Cavernous. How was the view? 

Iris: Spectacular. And Lonely. 

William: I’m sorry to have left you out there / 

Iris: Not for me, I was hardly out there. I mean for you. It’s a big city to look at alone.

William: It can be. 

Iris: Why don’t you do something about it? 

William: I’m not very lucky in love. 

Iris: Is that bad luck or your fault?

William: You’re inquisitive. 

Iris: I hope you don’t feel I should apologize.

William: No, you’re fine. 

Iris: Good. Because I’m not sorry. Are you happy here at the top of the world, alone?

William: Happy? I don’t know. I’m enjoying right now. 

Iris: I guess that’s a start. 

(They’re very close now. Until William bails.)

William: I’m going to get another drink. 

(William crosses to the drinks cart while at that moment Elise slips out of her room and begins to crawl her way to towards the drinks cart attempting to stay out of sight.)

Iris: Can you get me a cherry? 

William: Sure. Why?

Iris: I can do this trick with my tongue.

William: (Seeing Elise) Jesus Christ. 

Elise: (whispers) Ice! 

Iris: Oh, no! That sounded terrible didn’t it?

William: What? No. Sorry, here (gives her a cherry) I look forward to you blowing my mind. 

Iris: Ha! That makes two of us. I mean, we both keep saying things. Things that sound like sex, when we don’t want, I mean, we both keep talking like that. Can I start over? 

William: Please. 

Iris: Oh William, how lovely to see you, just now. Drinks? (She rises and crosses to the drinks cart and sees Elise reaching into the ice bucket) Asian Ice Burglar! 

Elise: Shit.

William: Language!

Elise: Really?!

Iris: She speaks English!

William: Yes, she does. 

Elise: Sorry. I was just grabbing some ice. 

Iris: And who are you? 

Elise and William: My/His sister. 

(A beat. They are taken aback that they both went for “sister”. This is a little off putting for them)

Elise: (Extending a hand) Elise. 

Iris: (Shaking hands) Iris.

William: And I’m a terrible host. 

Iris: I didn’t know you had a sister. 

William: (shooting a look to Elise) I wasn’t expecting I’d have to tell you tonight. 

Elise: I just come sometimes. For William. He’s never mad about it. 

William: My god. 

Iris: For ice? 

Elise: Yes. (Communicating that she’s really talking about Ethan) “I” bumped “my” head, and need ice. 

William: From what position? 

(Elise gives William a murderous look)

Iris: Position? 

Elise: Yes. I’m… reluctant to explain. 

William: No. Go on. Explain. 

Elise: Well, you see. It’s not well known in the states these days but, I’m a… yogi. 

Iris: A yogurt? 

Elise: I’ve included it once or twice. 

William: Wow. Impressive. 

Iris: Is it? I don’t know what a yogi is. 

William: She’s a practitioner of the eastern art of Yoga. Which… explains the robe. 

Iris: Yoga?

Elise: I stretch a lot. 

William: She needs to stay limber to put her feet behind her head. 

Elise: And here I thought you were impressed by that. 

Iris: Sounds impressive to me. 

Elise: I’ll be happy to teach you the exact way William likes it. 

Iris; (to William) Are you experienced in that kind of thing?

Elise: He’s great aficionado. 

Iris: So many things I’m learning about you tonight. 

Elise: I have so much to teach you. 

William: Here, take the whole bucket. Your injured head is making you delirious. 

Elise: I was certainly on my way to that. 

(A knock at the door. Elise walks over to look thru the peep hole. Sees Roger. Bolts without a word into her bedroom.)

William: Elise! 

Iris: I bet it’s solicitors. 

(William opens the door on Roger. Affable, handsome, deeply oblivious and naive. Iowan. But I repeat myself.) 

Roger: Willy!

William: Roger! Please never call me that. 

Roger: Who’s this pretty lady?

William: Iris, Roger. Roger, Iris. 

Roger: You lucky dog. 

William: No. It’s not like that Roger. We are just friends. Completely platonic. 

(Iris conceals some dismay)

Roger: Oh. So you’re into planets? 

Iris: What? 

Roger: Is that how you two know each other? 

Iris: Oh, no. I’m in love with William...’s work. 

Roger: I bet. Wink wink. Nudge nudge. 

William: Did you just say that out loud? What can I do for you (saying this loudly) ROGER?

Roger: Boy. You put some pep behind that. 

Iris: This place is cavernous. 

Roger: Good word. Actually I’m looking for Elise. I know she comes here all the time. 

Iris: Yes/

William: It’s a relaxing place to be.  

Roger: (to Iris) Oh yeah. She’s constantly coming. Treats it like a spa she says. Stays the night, and always comes back relaxed and happy. 

(Elise pokes out of her room, sees Roger who does not see her, gestures at William to get rid of him, just before Roger turns in Elise’s direction, she pirouettes and slams the door.)

Roger: What in the world! Willy, you have someone else here?

William: Please never call me that. 

Iris: She’s right in there. 

Roger: So who is she?

(Overlapping) 

Iris: Elise.

William: She’s a yogi. Elite. 

Roger: A Yahtzee? 

William: Not on this day. 

Iris: She can put her feet behind her head. 

Roger: (In awe) You are the luckiest man alive. 

William: So if I said I’d need some privacy, you wouldn’t be offended would you? 

Roger: (Heading for the door) You sir are my hero. 

Iris: Privacy? Do you really care who sees? 

Roger: HERO. (Roger exits) 

Iris: I’m so confused. 

William: This place is cavernous. 

Iris: But why didn’t you tell him that Elise was here? 

William: Oh. I’m just messing with him. Roger loves practical jokes. 

Iris: I LOVE PRACTICAL JOKES. 

William: Well you’ll fit right in around here. 

Iris: I bet you’ll fit right in too. In here. With me. With Elise too! I mean. With … can I start over? 

William: Go for it. 

Iris: (Iris walks quickly to the drinks cart and pours) William! God I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever! Drink? (She slams one.) One for you? (She pours and drinks that one as well.) 

Elise: (From off) OH GOD!

Iris: She’s very devout.

William: Would you mind terribly if I had a quick chat with my … sister … alone for a moment?

Iris: (Grabbing the bottle) Not a problem! I’ll be on the balcony. (She exits into the Kitchen.)

William: Well it’s a different view in there if nothing else.

(William goes to UR bedroom and just knocks. He’s over it. Elise pops her head out.)

Elise: Oh room service! How unexpected! (To Ethan) I’ll just see if I can sort this out. You can take that out of your mouth for now. (She quickly closes the door behind her.)

William: I don’t want to know what that was about. And you still haven’t told him I’m here?

Elise: Why would he need to know?

William: Because I’m here. Do you enjoy lying so much that you just do it for sport?  

Elise: William, if you were really good at something you’d do it for fun too. 

William: I’m trying to have dinner. 

Elise: I don’t know how that’s supposed to be my problem, you haven’t even put any food on the table.

William: How can I when I’m spending all my time handling you?

Elise: Yes, you should be handling her. What’s her name?

William: I can’t have you yelling to divinities while I’m having dinner Elise. You have to go. 

Elise: That’s a far stranger name than “I resent that”.

William: And you just dove right back in with Roger 20 feet away? Not in the least bit worried, much less careful?

Elise: I knew you’d handle that too.

William: Elise, it’s not like that. I’m not handling anything tonight.

Elise: What is it with her then?

William: It’s … difficult to explain. 

Elise: What’s so hard about it?

William: I … It’s simply…

Elise: You like her. 

William: Absurd. She’s a fan of my designs. I enjoy our discussions. 

Elise: You’ve brought hordes of women up to this place who are “fans” of your “designs”. You’ve had whole church choirs praising god from that room. And yet this girl, is … good at conversation? 

William: What is that sound in your voice? Oh no. Is it jealousy? 

Elise: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I won’t even speak the word lest it damage my lips.  

William: Those battle hardened things? 

Elise: You really want me out? 

William: No. 

Elise: That’s what I thought. 

William: “I resent that” has to go too. 

(Beat)

Elise: Fine. 

William: I never like it when you just agree to something. 

Elise: I’ll leave on one condition. 

William: Of course. 

Elise: You have to bed… “Yelling at divinities… dinner Elise…” 

‘You have to go”, I’m calling her “you have to go”. You get “You Have to Go”, to come, and I’ll go. 

William: You’re incorrigible. 

Elise: I’m sure I could corrige if I really wanted to. 

William: She’s a pure soul Elise. I know that is a foreign concept to you/

Elise: When did you jump out of the hand basket? 

William: Us then. But for all I know, she’s a virgin. 

Elise: That’s never been an issue for you before. Are you scared? 

William: Don’t be ridiculous. 

Elise: Then this should be a fun challenge. 

William: How the hell would I even prove that to you anyway? A hand signed document of affirmed copulation? 

Elise: Induct her into your gospel choir. Make her sing so I can hear it. Do that and I’ll go. 

(Beat)

Elise: You’re not suddenly incapable are you?

(Pause)

William: I get something in return. 

Elise: Greedy. It sounds to me like you’d be getting plenty. 

William: Getting you to leave my apartment is not a reward. That’s what you should have already done. I want something else. 

Elise: What could you possibly want that you haven’t already had? Aside from the thing I’m never really relaxed enough for. 

William: If I do this, I get to ask you one question, and you’re going to have to tell me the truth. 

(Beat)

Elise: Actually, I’m a yogi now, so relaxation comes much easier. 

William: Should I call Roger back? 

Elise: Fine. Deal. 

William: Deal. 

Elise: Now if you’ll excuse me, my food is getting cold. Happy hunting darling. (Elise exits UR bedroom)

(William goes to the record player. Starts it over. He then crosses to the Kitchen and opens the door. Iris comes stumbling out. The bottle is significantly emptier.) 

Iris: Oh my goodness I LOVE this record. 

William: Yes, you’d mentioned that. 

Iris: No. Nu-uh. Nope! No no. Because in this restarted reality I first saw you tonight just a few minutes ago. 

William: That’s disturbingly logical. How are you feeling? 

Iris: YES!

William: Fair enough. 

Iris: I’ve never had this straight before. It’s amazing how much it doesn’t taste bad after the 7th drink. 

William: My god. 

Iris: Here. (She hands him the bottle) FLUFFY! (She swan dives into the couch and completely passes out) 

William: Iris! Oh god. (He goes over to check on her and is in the process of awkwardly adjusting her when suddenly the phone rings.) What fresh hell? (William extricates himself from Iris and crosses to answer) William’s asylum. Sorry we’re full up. 

(Spot up on William’s mother Edith DSR)

Edith: William, what have I told you about making jokes?

William: That it reminds you of Father. 

Edith: And what else have I told you? 

William: If you’re going to tell jokes like him then have the courtesy of being dead like him. 

Edith: So either hang yourself or pay attention. My flight has been delayed here in this crime ridden gin soaked excuse for a city you live in and to pass the time I’m coming over to have dinner with my loving, pliant, unargumentative son. 

William: But Mother/

Edith: Who is this on the line saying “but”? It couldn’t possibly be my loving, pliant, unargumentative son. 

William: When will you be here?

Edith: I’m calling from your lobby. 

William: Thank you for the advance notice. 

Edith: And William? 

William: Yes, Mother? 

Edith: Make sure your harlot friend doesn’t slink in while I have dinner with my loving, pliant, unargumentative son. 

William: Of course. 

(Lights out on Edith) 

William: (Looking around at his two issues) She won’t allow me to be like Father so that means I can’t hang myself. (Grabbing bottle of Gin) It’s just you and me now old friend. (He takes a gulp and yells) ROOM SERVICE!

(A shuffling, some muffled cursing, Elise enters angrily) 

Elise: We have a d/eal

William: My Mother is on her way up. 

Elise: From where? 

William: Downstairs. 

(Elise doesn’t even pause for thought. She bolts back into her room. One second later we see Ethan getting shoved out in his underwear other clothes in hand.)

Ethan: (Seeing William.) Room service drinks your gin?  

Elise: Get dressed! (She shoves him into the UL bedroom.) 

William: Why did you send him to my room?

Elise: Because your mother won’t intrude on your room.

William: Ha! It’s futile Elise. She’ll intrude anywhere she wants..

Elise: No! Your Mother is not going to destroy another good happy thing. Not today Satan! Now  gimme that bottle and (she sees Iris passed out) Fuck. 

William: Lang/

Elise: Shut the fuck up! Get her in the Kitchen! 

William: Elise/

Elise: (Elise goes for Iris clothes) Do it or I’ll strip her naked and I’ll drop this robe right as that wrecking ball walks in!

(A beat. Elise moves to take off Iris’ dress.)

William: Alright!

(William immediately throws Iris over his shoulder and runs to the Kitchen. Elise sprints to the UR bedroom right as Edith enters and they all give a perfect triple door slam.)

Edith: (Slightly perturbed by the door slam) William? Oh I love this record. 

(A muffled crash in the kitchen. Then William enters with all the fake joy)

William: Mother! So good to/

Edith: My god William are you cooking? 

William: Yes. I thought/

Edith: And that was your first mistake. Where is your cook?

William: I can cook Mother. 

Edith: How is your architecture practice? 

William: It’s going fine. 

Edith: Keeping busy then? 

William: I do little else. 

Edith: Then you’re an architect, not a cook. 

William: Jeeze.

Edith: Language! 

William: Are you telling me you don’t cook for yourself now that you’re on your own?

Edith: On my own. Thank you for reminding me. If my only son had stayed at home I wouldn’t need to cook for myself. 

William: You do cook then!

Edith: Don’t be an idiot William. Do these look like hands that do manual labor?

William: ...

Edith: DO THESE LOOK LIKE/

William: No! Of course not. 

Edith: Have your wits slowed? (Re: drinks cart) Due to demon drink! 

William: Mother, with all due respect, I’m an adult. I respect your wishes to do as you will and you have to respect mine. 

Edith: Did you magically become my Mother and no longer my child? Are you a magician now as well as a cook? 

William: I’m a 3(insert number here) year old/

Edith: Child of mine! Has the verse about respecting and obeying your Mother changed? Has it flipped and granted children the right to abuse their mother?!

William: Abuse?! Come on/

Edith: Go to your room! 

William: You can’t be serious. 

Edith: GO TO YOUR ROOM! 

(There is a knock at the door. William goes to answer.) 

Edith: No! Do NOT answer that door! Go to your room! 

(William opens the door on Philippe. A handsome Hispanic man in his mid 40’s) 

William: Hello. How can I help you? 

Philippe: Um, I’m looking for Edith. 

Edith: Ah! Philippe! (To William) My driver. Wait here Philippe. (She closes the door) Where was I?

William: You were attempting to make your adult son go to his room. 

Edith: And?

William: He isn’t going. 

Edith: William! How dare/

(Iris comes out of the Kitchen, slurring words.)

Iris: There are A LOT of spices in there! 

Edith: William, this is wholly unprecedented. 

William: Mother, I can explain/

Edith: Don’t you dare! Let me enjoy this. 

William: Oh god. 

Edith: You have a cook! My baby boy. Too proud to tell me how you still do what I tell you? I understand. Your father was the same way. 

William: What can I say? She knows her way around the kitchen. 

Iris: Weeeeeeeeelllll, that’s very sweet of you William. You’re sweet. Like sugar. A thing in the kitchen. Which I know muh way around. 

Edith: Where exactly is she from? 

William: Latvia?

Edith: Language! 

William: No, I mean, she’s Eastern European. 

Edith: Like the Spanish? 

William: ... yes, Mother, exactly. Will you excuse me while I talk the cook through tonight’s menu? 

Edith: Of course my darling boy. 

(William exits with Iris in hand to the Kitchen. Edith beams with pride as they exit and then bolts for the front door. Opens it and lets Philippe in.) 

Edith: I am so sorry. (She kisses him) That was close. 

Philippe: Edith, you promised we wouldn’t play this game anymore. 

Edith: I know my love. And I’m sorry. But doesn’t it make you feel dirty? 

Philippe: It’s starting to feel demeaning. And you said your son would be in his room after you said the code “Go to your room.” Why is nothing going as planned tonight? 

(Beat)

Edith: It is a bit much I know. My son has started to develop thoughts of his own and I’m not really used to that. As for you my love, isn’t being demeaned a bit sexy? 

Philippe: Edith, this is not why we’re here. Where is your son? 

Edith: He’s with his cook in the Kitchen.  

Philippe: Someone else is here?! I’m going. 

Edith: No! Please. Please? Stay for me?

Philippe: Where am I supposed to go?

Edith: Wait for me in William’s bedroom. 

Philippe: I’m not waiting for you in your own sons bedroom. 

Edith: He’s refuses to go to his room. So it’s the only safe place. I promise we’ll be knee deep in each other soon enough. 

Philippe: (kisses her) You’re going to make it worth my while. 

Edith: Yes sir. 

Philippe: (Looking round to all the doors) Which?

Edith: That one.

(Philippe exits into the UL bedroom. A disgruntled noise. Philippe enters again followed by Ethan)

Ethan: Listen, the room service here is beginning to be really intrusive! I must ask you to leave! 

(Philippe turns to Edith with an imploring look.) 

Edith: I was just saying that. 

(Philippe, resigned, walks out the front door.)

Edith: (Wolfishly) Hello, young man. William didn’t tell me he had a roommate. How silly of me. Of course young, nubile, bachelors would room together. 

Ethan: Roommate. Of William’s. Who lives here.  Of course. And you are?

Edith: I’m his mother. Yes, I did have him young. But those were the times then. They’ve changed so much these days. Don’t you think? 

Ethan: I absolutely do. 

Edith: It’s so refreshing to meet a young man so ahead of his years. 

Ethan: That’s kind of you ma’am. 

Edith: Call me Edith. 

Ethan: Oh, that’s kind of you. 

Edith: Did you hear it right? 

Ethan: I beg your pardon? 

Edith: That’s what I was worried about. Say my name. 

Ethan: Ma’am? 

Edith: So that I know you heard it right. Say my name. 

Ethan: ... Edith. 

(Edith registers, a reaction) 

Ethan: Well my name is/

Edith: Very unnecessary now.

Ethan: I hope you won’t mind if I go into “my” room? 

Edith: Go darling boy. 

Edith: Pleasure meeting you. Edith. 

Edith: All mine ... you. 

Ethan: Right. 

(Ethan exits UR bedroom. A knock on the door. Edith answers to find Roger.)

Edith: Christmas. 

Roger: No ma’am. Roger. 

Edith: Call me Edith. 

Roger: Ok, Edith. 

(Edith Registers, a reaction)

Edith: (She’s high at this point) It’s like some kind of dream. 

Roger: Have you seen William? 

Edith: He’s in the Kitchen. 

(Edith, trance like, walks into the UL bedroom)

Roger: Hey! Willy!

(William Enters from Kitchen)

William: Roger! What are you doing back so soon?

Roger: Soon?! I figured that would have been plenty of time!

William: That explains so much…

Roger: But women keep popping up here like… Jack… it starts with Jack. 

William: In the box? 

Roger: No. But I’ll think of it. 

William: O’ lantern?

Roger: The thing that … “pop goes the weasel!” I was way off on Jack. 

William: In any case, you’re back! Why?

Roger: I guess… This is hard Willy. Can we talk?

William: … of course. 

Roger: I’m worried about Elise. 

William: No! But why?!

Roger: This is going to come as a shock to you. 

William: Try me. 

Roger: I just don’t know if she’s totally committed. 

William: Of course she is. 

Roger: I don’t think you really know what’s going on. 

William: Good point. Tell me about it. What worries you?

Roger: She doesn’t spend any time with me. 

William: Ok. That counts. What would you do if she weren’t committed? 

Roger: I’d call everything off and leave her. 

William: That’s pretty drastic. 

Roger: To be unfaithful is unforgivable. 

William: Unforgivable is a strong word. What if she killed your mother? 

Roger: … That would be unforgivable too. 

William: Alright, bad example. But what I’m trying to say is things could be much worse. And maybe things aren’t as bad as you think. Elise is a willful woman. 

Roger: I can’t imagine a situation where I would forgive her. What am I supposed to do? Live an uncertain life? Or find the guy taking her attention and GRIND HIM INTO DUST!

William: Well. Seeing as you don’t know even IF there is a guy, you can’t be certain. Right? 

Roger: I suppose I hadn’t thought of it that way. 

William: So take all that bottled up murderous rage and try to channel it productively. 

Roger: How? By practicing murder?

William: No. No murder. Do you have any hobbies? 

Roger: I shoot clay pigeons.

William: Not that. 

Roger: I butcher my own meat. 

William: Ok, not that either. 

Roger: I enjoy practical jokes. 

William: Bingo! That’s it! 

Roger: But how do I put my murderous rage into that?

William: Think up a great practical joke that will make Elise smile. And let’s just call it your “energy” from here on out, yeah? 

(Iris enters from the kitchen)

Roger: Thanks Willy. You’re a true friend. I feel like you’re the only person I can trust. 

William: Aw, that’s too bad. Well you go and get planning!

Roger: I know just the thing! 

(Elise enters UR bedroom) 

Roger: Elise! 

Elise: Roger! 

Iris: GOTCHA! 

Roger: What? 

Iris: PRACTICAL JOKE!

Roger: Willy, did you and Elise just prank me?! 

William and Elise: Yes/Of course/Obviously!

Roger: Darling. You’re the best. (He kisses Elise) 

Elise: Sometimes I even surprise myself. 

Roger: And you sir! I’m gunna have to pull out all the stops to top this one. You were pranking me that whole time!

William: We all like a good prank, don’t we? 

Iris: I LOVE THEM!

Roger: Well just you wait! You two are gunna get it by me and you won’t even see it coming!

William: How ominous. 

Roger: See you in a bit baby! 

(Roger exits center doors) 

Elise: I can’t believe that resolved itself so easily. 

William: Any reason why you’re out and about ... Sis? 

Elise: I’m hungry. Am I not allowed food? 

William: I thought your dinner was already in your room?

Elise: I’ve already devoured that. I’m just ravenous tonight. 

Iris: MY JOB!

(Iris exits into Kitchen) 

Elise: Maybe I’ll give her a helping hand?

William: Don’t you dare/

(Edith enters as Elise follows Iris into the Kitchen)

William: burn ... those ... pretty little fingers!

Edith: William what is all this yelling about?! 

William: Sorry Mother, just giving some support and encouragement to my new cook! You get em! Gimmie an A! You know. That sort of thing. 

Edith: I most certainly do not know. And it’s awfully rude behavior to engage in while your roommate is home? 

William: My roommate? 

Edith: Yes, I’ve just met him. But I’m afraid I didn’t get his name. I must have been distracted. What is it? 

William: (under his breath) I resent that. 

Edith: Excuse me?! Don’t pretend as if I didn’t hear that! 

William: Well, Mother ... I mean, to be so, forward as to act like I don’t know my own roommates name! 

Edith: I meant no such thing! And I don’t know where this new having your own point of view has come from but, if you’re not going to tell your mother the name of your roommate I can simply ask him myself! 

(Edith knocks on the UR bedroom door. Ethan enters.)

Ethan: Oh hello again Edith. 

Edith: (Edith registers, a reaction) Yes darling boy? 

Ethan: You knocked on my door? 

Edith: Oh yes, I did. What is your name? 

Ethan: Oh Ethan ma’am. 

Edith: (To William) See? That wasn’t so hard was it? 

Ethan: I don’t understand. 

Edith: He refuses to tell me your name! 

Ethan: Room service wouldn’t tell you my name? 

Edith: Room Service? 

William: Yes! You know how roommates will be with their nicknames

Mother. 

Ethan: Mother. Roommate. Yes! William! That’s who YOU are. My roommate. William. 

Edith: You adorable boy. Why ever did you give him the nickname “Room service”? 

William: Oh, yes Ethan! Tell that one. Such a funny story. 

Ethan: Well. Um, when I met William/

William: At my favorite restaurant! 

Edith: Oh you mean/

William: Oh, let Ethan tell it Mother, it so funny the way he tells it. 

Edith: Oh where are my manners? Go on. 

Ethan: Where was I? 

William: My favorite restaurant. 

Ethan: Oh. Yes. Thank you. We were at Williams favorite restaurant ... La Tour.

(Beat) 

William: (He got it right) Go on. 

Ethan: (Emboldened by his luck) And I remember saying to him that I really loved this restaurant too. 

William: But you said it in French. That’s really the joke Mother. Because La Tour is a French restaurant. 

Edith: Oh, how witty! 

William: Ethan, say it how you said it then. It’s so funny in French actually. 

Ethan: ... BooZoo Bon le Bon Bon toot smoot frandj. 

Edith (Erupting in laughter) Fantastic! 

William: And then I said “the only thing that would make it better is if I could get it for Room service.” And it’s stuck ever since. 

Edith: Well I’m so glad you’ve found such a compatible roommate. (To Ethan) And what’s your nickname? 

William: I call him “life jacket”. 

Edith: Because he’s always coming to your aid? 

William: Because he’s always getting in over his head. 

Edith: I’m sure that’s an interesting story too! 

William: It’s very funny. 

Edith: Well, you’ll have to tell me some other time. I realize I’ve lost ... my driver. 

(Edith exits center doors) 

Ethan: I know this looks bad. 

William: Go on. 

Ethan: You’re not supposed to be here. 

William: I think that’s my line. 

Ethan: No I mean Elise said that you wouldn’t be in for a few more days. 

William: She was wrong. 

Ethan: Right. But did I actually guess your favorite restaurant? 

William: You did. You must have heard it from Elise. 

Ethan: She took me there tonight. It’s the only fancy restaurant I’ve ever been to. So I just guessed. 

William: Look at you. Getting lucky all over the place. 

Ethan: Did I actually get the French right? 

William: Not even close. 

Ethan: Do you speak French? 

William: More than you do. 

Ethan: Listen, I’m really sorry to have disturbed you and your mother. 

William: It isn’t me or my mother you need to worry about. 

Ethan: What? Who should I be worried about? 

William: Elise’s fiancé. 

Ethan: She’s engaged?!

William: She didn’t tell you? That’s so unlike her. 

Ethan: Oh god. Oh god.

William: Calm down. Your secret is safe with me. 

(Elise Enters) 

Elise: (Seeing them both, very thrown) What’s going on? 

William: We were just having a little chat. 

Elise: About what? 

William: Our shared appreciation of you. 

Elise: How lovely. I was just having a very educational chat in the kitchen. 

William: I bet you were. And if you continue to stick around I’m sure you’ll get to say hello to my mother. 

Elise: I was promised a recital tonight. I’m not leaving till I hear it. 

Ethan: I should go. 

(Beat)

Elise: I understand. 

Ethan and William: What? 

Elise: Of course I understand. (Elise crosses and opens the UR bedroom door.) I just think you may have forgotten something in the bedroom. (She drops her robe and enters the room). 

Ethan: I think you’re right I’ll help look! (He sprints into the room) 

William: She could make the devil recite psalms. If she isn’t the devil herself. 

(Iris enters from the kitchen) 

Iris: Have I got something to show you! 

William: Yeah, she’s the devil. 

Iris: (Grabs a chair from the table.) Sit!

William: Am I in trouble? 

Iris: Would you like to be? 

William: Tonight, it doesn’t seem like I have a choice. 

Iris: I had a really fun talk with your sister. 

William: About what? 

Iris: Lady things. You wouldn’t understand. 

William: Can’t argue that. 

Iris: I’m kidding. She taught me yoga! And as you’re such a fan she told me what your favorite position is. 

William: She’s so considerate. My sister. And you need me seated to see it? 

Iris: I need you seated to do it. (She straddles William on the chair) 

William: Iris/

Iris: Shh. You won’t be disappointed. I’m told I have very good technique. Put your hand on the small of my back. 

(William does.)

Iris: Now don’t let me go. Ok? 

(Beat) 

Iris: Say ok. 

William: Ok. 

(Iris does a slow backbend with extended arm. She then slowly pulls herself up and ends face to face with William) 

Iris: How was that? 

(A pause. If Iris was drunk before there is no sign of it now. It’s just tension now. As long a hold as can be withstood. Which William breaks by kissing Iris. From the chair he picks her up and she wraps her legs around him. They exit UL bedroom. A quiet beat of an empty stage. Elise enters expecting to see William. She crosses to the drinks cart and looks out towards the balcony. She sees nothing. Listens for a moment, hears nothing. She pours herself some gin and then tonic. As she goes to drink we hear the sounds of a couple in love. Topped by:

Iris: Oh god. Oh god! 

(Elise puts the drink down. A Pause. She crosses to the UR bedroom and exits.) 

A Long Pause. 

William enters from UL Bedroom and crosses to the Kitchen to get water. Shortly after he enters the Kitchen Elise enters from the UR bedroom fully dressed in a coat ready to leave. William reenters with two glasses of water from the kitchen.)

William: (Seeing how Elise is dressed) Did you devour “I resent that” already? 

Elise: His name is Ethan. 

William: I know his name. Water?

Elise: Thank you. (She takes the glass and throws the water onto William) I’m not thirsty. 

William: Would you like to explain that?

Elise: I can’t. I’m leaving. 

William: Leaving? Why?

Elise: You won the bet. I have to go. 

William: Go where? 

Elise: Home.

William: Don’t you have a room here?

Elise: I only have a key. And you already have someone else you want around. 

William: Iris? Don’t be crazy. Notch in the belt. No more to me than “I resent that” is to you.

Elise: Ethan, William. Ethan. You’ll never understand, but he makes me feel alive. Seen. 

William: So, “Ethan” understands you best does he? 

Elise: I didn’t say that. But he fulfills me. Doesn’t Iris do that for you? 

William: Iris is just another story.

Elise: William. I lie to you. And I’m sorry, sometimes. But no one lies to you as much as you do. 

William: You’re a sore loser. 

Elise: And you’re a wet winner. 

(Elise moves to exit and is cut off by William.)

William: No. You don’t get to leave yet. 

Elise: A bet is a bet William. Get out of my way. 

William: No. I get a question. THAT was the bet. 

(We hear the sounds of an argument coming towards the front door. Edith and Philipe enter)

Edith: He isn’t mature enough to understand!

Philipe: We have to tell him!

Edith: William! What are you doing up at this hour?! Why are you wet?

(William searches for any plausible explanation and simply just comes up blank)

William: I sweat weird? 

Elise: He was just saying goodbye to me. 

Edith: You.

Elise: (Beat) You’re not wrong.

Edith: I should have known that amidst all this chaos you would have your tentacles in all of it. 

Elise: Tentacles. 

William: Good word. 

Edith: And you William have been harboring this harlot all night under my very nose!

William: It’s not like that! I’ve harbored this harlot for years actually. Elise lives here mother. 

Edith: What?! (To Elise) Is that true?!

Elise: No! I only have a key. 

Edith: That’s what people who live in places have!

William: Yeah! Good point!

Elise and Edith: SHUT UP WILLIAM!

Edith: I have never in my life been so disappointed! So let down! So/

Philipe: ENOUGH!

(The room goes quiet. It’s as if everyone has just registered that Philipe is actually there.)

Philipe: (To Edith) Sit!

(Edith Sits on the floor)

Edith: But/

Philipe: No barking!

(Edith goes silent. Pouts. She looks imploringly. Starts to reach out.)

Philipe: Stay.

(Edith holds still.)

Philipe: I should explain. 

William: Where to begin

Elise: Yup 

Philipe: First of all, you get to have any arrangement you want William and we can’t judge. 

(Edith grunts disapprovingly)

William: Thank you? 

Philipe: But there is a real reason why we’re here tonight. 

Elise: (To Edith) Not just to torment everyone?

(Edith growls.)

Philipe: Settle. 

(Edith growls quietly)

Philipe: I have to tell you something that might surprise you William. 

William: (Beat) I doubt it. 

Philipe: Your mother and I are going to get married. 

William: (Beat. Flatly.) Okay.

Philipe: I thought you would have been upset, or shocked. 

William: Any other day of the week maybe. But not today. 

Philipe: We’re so glad to hear that! 

(Philipe hugs William)

Edith: Woof!

(Elise crosses to the drinks cart, picks up her drink and downs it in one.)

William: When is the wedding? How are you getting married with the miscegenation laws?

Philipe: We’re eloping tomorrow in New Jersey.

ALL but Edith: Everything is legal in New Jersey. 

Philipe: It’s just going to be the two of us. But we didn’t want to go ahead without your blessing. 

William: Well, you have it. 

Elise: Anyone who can tame that bitch deserves it. 

(A stunned pause. All register this in their own way and eventually agree as one. Philipe crosses to the Front door.)

Philipe: Well, we should get a hotel room. (To Edith) Come. 

(Edith crawls to the front door.)

Philipe: Up.

(Edith stands and Philipe kisses her passionately.)

Philipe: (Growls) Good girl. 

(Edith opens the door and drags Philipe off stage. William and Elise take a moment to register what just happened.)

Elise: (Almost as an apology) I thought “bitch” was clever in the moment. 

William: No, I got it. 

Elise: Because she is. 

William: Elise.

Elise: And then she was acting like/

William: Yeah, no, I was here too.

Elise: Anyway. I guess I’ll be leaving. 

William: NO. 

Elise: Just because your mother is into kinky shit doesn’t mean I won’t stab you William. 

William: You owe me an answer. 

Elise: Let’s be done with the silly games shall we? 

William: No. You don’t get to change the rules when it suits you. You owe me an answer. 

(Pause)

Elise: Fine. Let’s see how you like answers. 

(Iris enters, fully dressed, coat on.)

Iris: William. You’re wet? (seeing Elise) Oh, I didn’t realize you were both out here. 

Elise: That’s ok. I was just leaving. 

William: Not yet you aren’t. 

(Awkward shared pause)

Elise: Iris, why are you still here? 

William: Elise! Don’t be rude. 

Elise: Oh. Forgive me. Iris, do you like William’s architecture?

William: This isn’t time for 20 questions.

Iris: Yes, I love it. He’s brilliant. William, can we talk? 

Elise: Would you agree that his designs say something about him? 

William: Elise.

Iris: Well, yes. They reflect his soul. His sense of beauty and his attention to detail. 

Elise: That’s a soul you like quite a bit don’t you?

Iris: Sure I do.

Elise: No I mean you REALLY like it.   

William: I’m in the room Elise. 

Iris: I like it a lot, yes. 

Elise: You chose to be here Iris. Why are you leaving? 

William: Shouldn’t I be the one asking that?

(Pause) 

Iris: William, there’s something I need to tell you. 

Elise: Just admit it!

(Ethan enters from UR bedroom)

Ethan: Admit what? 

(Ethan and Iris see each other) 

Ethan & Iris: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

Ethan: I’m I’m I’m 

Elise: Learning yoga. 

Iris: At 2 in the morning? 

Elise: In India it’s…. not 2 am. 

William: Good point. 

Ethan: And what are YOU doing here?!

(Iris launches into a monologue where she covers every base and answers every question before it can be asked.)

Iris: I’m… Learning astronomy from William. Which explains the hour. Late night. Naturally. Because this is when the best stargazing happens. Yes. William also teaches astronomy. While being an architect. He’s very well read. You should attempt the same. No. I didn’t need to tell you where I was because my educational efforts are not under your discretion. I’m an independent woman who directs her energy where she chooses! Yes. You should apologize for even insinuating something untoward has occurred or even could!

Ethan: I’m sorry. 

Iris: Apology accepted. Lets never speak of it again. 

Ethan: I won’t. 

Iris: Good boy. Meet me outside. 

(Ethan exits UC)

William: Iris/

Iris: Shut up William. (Iris kisses William.) It wasn’t meant to be.  

William: But you came to me. 

Iris: And what does that change? 

(Iris exits UC. Elise crosses to the couch DC and sits.)

(A pause. William reflects. Elise finally breaks.)

Elise: He didn’t even say goodbye. 

William: I can’t believe he just went with all that. 

Elise: I liked him because he was pretty not because he was smart. 

William: And yet he saw you in a way you needed to be seen. 

Elise: Did he? Doesn’t feel like it now.

William: Maybe/

Elise: You don’t know, William. 

William: No, I don’t. At least I don’t know that. 

Elise: What do you know then? 

William: I know I have a question. 

Elise: You really want to suffer tonight don’t you?

William: Elise/

Elise: Please don’t. 

William: Elise, do you love me? 

(Pause) 

Elise: No. 

(Pause) 

William: That’s a lie. 

(Pause)

Elise: Is it? 

Roger: OH MY FUCKING GOD! 

(Elise and William scream. Roger appears from behind the DR bush disguised to look exactly like the plant.)

Elise: Roger! Why are you dressed like that?!

Roger: IT WAS FOR A PRACTICAL JOKE!

William: How long have you been there? 

Roger: Long enough!

William: Oh god. 

Elise: Did you see Ethan and Iris leave? 

Roger: Yeah! And I didn’t even get to show her my joke!

William: Roger what all did you see? 

Roger: Starting from the revelation that this was all a pointless bet between you two? Despite both of you being in love with the people in your rooms, you both would callously treat them like play things in a game? That your mother has a fetish for being a sub in the role of a dog, which I will NOT condemn because she’s a grown woman and can choose her sexual pleasure as she sees fit? That you, Elise, can’t commit to anything? Not to me, not to William, not to Ethan? The only thing you can commit to is not committing and as your fiancé I’m really not happy about learning that?! That both of you are pathologically allergic to the truth? That you William would be so stupid as to believe Elise would admit to being in love with you? Or that you Elise could ever allow yourself to be so vulnerable with another human being? That that bush causes a rash if you leave your skin in prolonged contact? Yeah, I saw everything. And I’m done with all of you. I’m leaving! 

(Roger crosses to exit UC)

Elise: I think your disguise is really impressive!

Roger (while exiting) You drink too much! (He slams the door. it’s loud.)

(A Pause)

William: Drink? 

Elise: Yeah. 

(William crosses to the cart.)

Elise: Am I the devil? 

William: The devil doesn’t take drinks. The devil gives them. (William hands her a drink)

Elise: Are YOU the devil?

William: No. If I am, I’m the lamest devil there ever was. 

Elise: You’d be the mayonnaise of devils. 

William: The smooth peanut butter of devils. 

Elise: The vanilla of devils. 

William: Hey now, vanilla is a complex and delicious flavor. 

Elise: That’s exactly what a vanilla devil would say. You’re the kind of person who keeps their peas away from their mashed potatoes aren’t you? 

William: Like a fort. 

Elise: You have the palate of a five year old. 

William: Yes, my childlike innocence is what keeps women streaming thru here. 

Elise: But none stay. 

William: No. None do. Except for you. And you have a palate that would make Monet blush. 

Elise: I guess there really is no accounting for taste. 

William: Would you consider staying? 

Elise: I probably won’t think about it at all. 

William: The difference between not moving and choosing to stay seems significant. 

Elise: Maybe I’m just tired. It’s been a long day. 

William: Would you like to stay the night? 

Elise: Where would I stay? This isn’t my home. 

William: Anywhere you like. You already have a key. 

(Elise and William lock eyes. They finish their drinks.)

BLACKOUT

END OF PLAY

JUSTICE

[…] Indicates a student speaking. We do not hear the students. / indicates an overlap

 Scene 1 

Split scenes. K & D’s Classrooms. Both are calming. Like a yoga studio, mixed with an arts and crafts store. A banner hangs reading “We Shape Those Minds.” Calming environmental music plays.

K is a bubbly indefatigable young woman, fully invested in the program and happy to be right where she feels she should be. She teaches the equivalent of middle school ages. D is one of the founders of the program and carries herself with the gravitas suitable to such a role. However she is also kind, calm and collected, like a seasoned therapist. Just the person you’d want teaching Kindergarten. Today however, D is not quite herself. 

K: Welcome Patrons to what I hope will be another glorious day of growth and understanding. 

D: If you would all please acknowledge the signifiers you have chosen for this day when they are called out. 

K; So that we may know you are present.

D: Poof. [ME!] Oh, thank you. 

K: Chickasaw. [I and my people are always present] Good. 

D: Shoe. [I put them on different feet!] Yes I see you are wearing them on different feet. That must hurt. 

K: Biggie. [Word] Word right back at cha!

D: Blah. [Ugh] I can relate. 

K: JenJames. 

D: Momo.  

K: Tupac. 

D: Gummie.

K: Justice. 

D: Kittycat. 

K: P. Ness. Is there a P. Ness in the space? P. Ness? (Laughter) Oh, I see what you did there. Lets just call you my funny patron for today. 

D: AaaaOoooEeee.  

K: Whomever is simply going by the symbol? (Patron Bows) (K bows back) Oh very fun. 

D: Pang.  

K: Revolution. 

D: SuperPerson. [Um] Yes, SuperPerson? [I want to be a Pang now] You’d like to be Pang now as well? Alright. Is there a certain way you’d like me to say it so you know I’m talking to you? [LOUD] Loud. Ok. Pang do you mind if your Pang is quieter so you know I’m talking to you? [PANG!] Great. 

K: Lastly, I’d like to introduce our newest Patron, um, Jim. 

D: And finally Ploop. [Um] Yes, Ploop? [I want to be a Pang too!] You’d like to be Pang now as well? Alright. Is there anyone else who would like to change their signifier to Pang so that we may now actually begin the day? (All want to be Pang) Alright. We will be an entire community of Pangs. Lovely. 

K: Today’s inspiration is punctuation. Tupac and Biggie, personal bubbles please. Shall we begin with an idea? (General assent) Thank you. When you see a comma, what do you feel? And how might that inform your writing? [Why should we care about how commas make us feel?] Well Jim, the reason is; how we write comes to us from rules set by past societies steeped in cultural supremacy and ideological genocide. So we’re retaking punctuation for ourselves. And why wouldn’t we want to feel good about our punctuation? 

D: Well, Pang’s. Today’s inspiration is color. Here is what many past societies have called “Red”. And here is what many have called “Blue”. Do we like these words? 

K: So if what we called the comma, now called the “Hang”, truly is a representation of laziness, how might we use it to inform our writing? 

D: Yes Pang! These two different colors do look different. So calling them both “bubbles” might not help us when we want to know which one we’re talking about. And that might be a good reason to not call everyone Pang too. Would any one like to pick a new signifier so I can tell one pang from another? (No one volunteers) Fine. Then Pangs it will stay. 

K: An interesting suggestion Chickasaw. Patrons, do you accept that anyone who would use a “hang” should be labeled as lazy? (General agreement) Well, Chickasaw, your powers of persuasion are very, persuasive. Tupac, do you need to have some personal meditation time? 

D: Well Pang, all the other Pangs have decided [What?] no Pang I wasn’t addressing you. I apologize. I was addressing this Pang. No this Pang, in the red, in the “bubble” colored shirt. Would you all like to nap or would you like me to stay and continue our program? [What’s happening?] I’m sorry Pang, I didn’t mean to wake you. [NAP] Thank you Pangs. I’ll be back in half an hour for our next session if everyone agrees to begin. (Aside): Or I haven’t shotgunned the bleach bottle.

D’s light fades out. 

K: Yes Jim! The “Hang” can provide us with an indication of a change in thought, or a pause, which could make it very useful. Is there any way we can indicate this without signifying laziness? [We already agreed on the term.] Yes, Justice, I’m hearing you, but Patrons, are all pauses lazy? [Don’t use some majority to silence me.] As a Guide I would never seek to use a majority to silence your truth Justice and I apologize if that was my effect. But Jim seems to like the “hang” as a signifier of [That’s probably because Jim is lazy.] Justice, simply because Jim sees utility in a pause does not mean he is lazy. (General discord. The patrons do not like being contradicted.) Patrons, patrons, please. My intent is not to contradict your truth or your lived experience. If we could all calm down. [Don’t tell us to calm down!] I am absolutely not down playing your feelings and. [We should feel safe to express ourselves here!] Yes, of course you are meant to feel at home in the program, we’d have it no [SHUT UP and GET OUT]

K: If that is the will of community, then I’ll leave you for today. [I’m sorry for this trouble.] Thank you for the sentiment Jim, that’s very kind. (Chants of GET OUT begin) Yes, of course, at once. 

K Exits.

Scene 2

Lights up on “D” in what looks to be a Sanitation Closet.     

K Enters

If she had a bad class you wouldn’t know it. She’s as bright as ever. 

D works to not show her distress, with less success. 

K: Hey. Do you know you’re in a closet?

D: K.

K: (Turns on lights) And that the lights were off? It’s a strange place to be when we’re having a Guide Celebration. J joked in our affirmation circle “ I wish I had D’s cloak of invisibility”. 

D: J is a dick.

K: Hey now. Gendered slurs before drinks? I’m kidding. I brought you something.

D: Will it induce a stupor?

K: Of deliciousness! 

K produces a cupcake.

K: Vegan Raspberry. Last one.

D: My Favorite. K. If you aren’t the most caring person in the world I’ll shoot myself. 

K: D! You won’t be shooting yourself on my watch. I’d step in front of the bullet.

D: Bringing me cupcakes and getting shot for me? I’m beginning to think you want a promotion. 

K: I simply noticed you weren’t around. What are we to do when the Programs best guide is gone missing? And then I saw that a door was open / and I

D: I’m not the Programs best Guide. 

K: I don’t mean to disparage the other / Guides.

D: K. I’m not the Programs best Guide. 

(Beat)

K: Ok. I’m sorry for assuming. You seem to be in the midst of a challenge right now. I’ll leave you to your privacy. 

D: No. No. You don’t have to leave me to my privacy K. 

K: (A joke) Well, I am intruding on your closet time. 

D: (Smiling) I’m sure there’s a public correction for that.

K: Remember when S said “moist” in front of a group of self identifying female patrons and they publicly corrected him by having him walk around campus in nothing but panties? 

D: Oh my god, yes. I almost choked on my tea trying to look stern as he passed. We got a new S pretty quick. I wonder how the old S is doing. 

(beat)

K: So, are you in here, meditating? 

D: Meditating? No. Wallowing if I’m honest. And If I’m honest, I’m not the person you want to be trapped in the closet with. 

K: Why? D, I know I don’t know what your experience of today is, but I know you’re great. You’re an inspiration to so many. You helped build / and shape

D: What did I build?

K: This program, it’s protocol, for one. The belief that / everyone

D: Yes I helped create the protocol. But these walls were built by others. And those who own these walls / decide

K: Well, those minds that shape the buildings; we / shape those minds. 

D: Shape those minds. Yes. I’m the one who wrote that. But into what? And what if it won’t last? 

K: I don’t understand.

D: K I’m going to let you in on something and you can’t repeat it. 

K: Repeat what? 

D: The thing I’m about to tell you.

K: Yes, I got that. I was making a joke. 

D: Oh, right. I get it now. Maybe now isn’t the best time / for jokes.

K: Nope, you’re right. This is serious. So what’s up?

D: I’m hearing rumors that the program is going to be shut down. 

K: WHAT?!

D: Shh. So far it’s just rumors. 

K: But why? Why would anyone want to shut us down? We are the forefront of enlightened instruction. 

D: The Hierarchy may take a more practical view of things. 

K: How is a just, caring, safe environment not practical? 

D: K, I couldn’t get my patrons to agree on a word for Red today. 

K: So what? You teach the youngest. They’ll eventually find something they all agree on and then meld that with the greater society. 

D: Which will make it harder for them to work with others / who use different

K: D, this is just like languages. We don’t ask for a single language to get things done. We respect all cultures and work to learn how they speak. You taught / me that. 

D: English. 

K: What? 

D: Everyone may have their own language but everyone also needs to learn English because it’s the major language. 

K: So what are you saying? (beat) Je ne suis pas une pomme de terre? 

D: (begrudging smile) No, you’re still a potato. I’m just worried about how we’re viewed. 

K: Well, I view you to be such a caring leader that you’ll worry yourself to death over this. Besides, in your heart you know that what you’re doing is more important than practicality. 

D: Do I? 

K: Of course you do. Don’t you? (beat) D? 

D: K…

K: You can tell me anything. You know that.  

J Enters

J is a man who is completely comfortable in his own skin. A fact that often leads him to push the bounds in a carefree, almost gleeful way. He effects a very fey persona on top of all this. He and K get along well, but he and D don’t mesh. 

J: Oh ho, what have we here? 

K: Hello J. 

J: D and K alone in a closet!

K: Very funny J. But if we were going to have a clandestine meeting it wouldn’t be in a sanitation closet. 

J: Oh? Where would it be instead? 

K: J! (Under her breath) Not a good time for jokes. 

J: Not that it matters, if anyone could get away with breaking Protocol and fraternizing with fellow Guides, it would be D.

D: Don’t insinuate J, it’s unbecoming. Is there something we can do for you? 

J: Actually, yes. The rest of the Guides have noticed your absence and I’m the search party.

K: Oh that’s kind of you. 

D: Super.

J: Well, people have noticed D’s absence. Can’t have a Guide Celebration without our foremost Guide. 

K: See D?

J: See what? 

D: That I shouldn’t be focused on cleaning when a Group Celebration is taking place. Please reassure everyone I’ll be there shortly. 

J: Also, K, it’s getting around what happened in your community today. 

K: Oh god. What are they saying?

J: Oh, just that it sounds like you blatantly contradicted the community and enraged your patrons. But other than that nothing. 

D: K, is this true?

K: No! Well, not the entire community. I didn’t think it was worth bothering you with. We have a new patron, Jim, who didn’t seem to be assimilating and I was trying to make him feel heard.

J: Well, Justice didn’t see it that way and has been making her voice heard. And the other guides are not happy being associated with a guide who contradicts their patrons.

K: But I didn't / contradict my

D: I’m putting this to rest. K tomorrow you will co-teach your class with me.

K: What? (beat) Am I losing my community? 

D: No. Of course not. I wouldn’t have it.

J: Well, K, I suggest you come with me. Don’t want to add the optics of a clandestine sanitation closet meeting to / the already

D: J, are you insinuating a fraternization? 

J: No, I only thought / that K 

D: “Only thought” is right. The possible discussions you’ve interrupted are infinite and it’s unacceptable for you to insinuate about my intentions. (A threat) When I see such risks to the reputation of the program, I remove them.

(beat)

J: (Overdoing the protocol) I apologize. I hope you both return to the Celebration soon. I’ll inform everyone that you’ve told me, to tell them, that you’re on your way shortly. You’re Guiding with K tomorrow and everything is in hand. Do you give assent to this representation?

D: Yes. 

J: If you need someone to cover your community / I’d be more

D: I already have a list of qualified individuals to sub for me should the need arise J. 

K: Thank you for going out of your way to look for us J. See you soon. 

J Exits

D: (In response to K’s look) What? 

K: That was harsh. 

D: Policy is clear on fraternization, is it not?

K: Of course, I agree. 

D: And to make an accusation is equal to guilt.

K: Of course it is. 

D: Therefore, we must always be ahead of accusations so that we preserve / a clear intention

K: A clear intention. D, I’m a part of the program too. 

D: Yes. Of course you are. (beat) He wants my role. 

K: D, you Guide the youngest. You’re the… a very prominent Guide. Everyone wants your role! I want your role! But you’re amazing and no one could ever replace you. If you left, this whole place / would just

D: (Jargon) That’s very kind of you. 

K: It’s the truth. J was an engineer before he got brought in. There’s no possible way he could do your role the way you do it.  

D: Yeah. 

(Pause)

K: So what were you going to tell me?

(Pause)

D: Nevermind.

K: Hey now, how long have I been with you here? If there’s something you need to say, tell me. 

D: I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

K: Try the beginning. 

D: My mother says birthing was a long process.

K: Don’t deflect.

D: I’m sorry. (beat) I can’t risk telling you without ruining it.

K: It? What do you mean? What’s wrong D?

D:  

K: D!

D: (Agitated at the prodding) Lower your voice. 

(Long Pause)

K: Come on. If I’m not on your side no one is. I’m not here to judge you. 

D: (Softening) I know.

K: I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you. 

D: What’s the first thing you think of when you wake up? 

(beat)

K: Um, “Sweet holy moly, I’m tired?” 

D: Ok. After that. What motivates you? To keep doing what you’re doing? 

K: To be a Guide? The fact that I’m righting wrongs by teaching the youth just ethics. Are you worried about your legacy?

D: And the fact that you were chosen for this doesn’t bother you? 

K: The Hierarchy is very clear. Where else would I go? I am in my right place. I’m supposed to be here like you’re supposed to be here. And I’m eternally grateful. My only goal is to be as effective as you. So, you, I guess. You keep me going. 

(beat)

D: (Uncomfortable) That’s very kind of you to say. Well, we should get back to the Celebration. 

K: Yes. Of course. The other Guides must have been waiting for ages. 

D: Let me just clean up here. I’ll be right behind you. 

K: Right. Don’t be too long. I hear we’re going to get to do impressions! Me representing another person! I feel like such a rebel. 

K Exits

Blackout

Scene 3

D’s Room

K&D Enter. They are drunk. D”s room is formal but much like the theme of the classrooms. The main difference would be a slightly upscale feeling. 

K: Oh my god, I can’t believe we did that! 

D: Shh! P will know it was us if he hears!

K: I’m so excited to do a doorbell ditch when there are no doorbells. 

D: I know right?! I was going to knock and then you yelled “DING DONG!”

K: Shh! Turn the lights out. 

D: What? 

K: Turn the lights out!

D: SHH!

K: I’m not being/ loud!

There is a knock on the door. K dives for the lights. They wait. 

D: Why did we turn off the lights? P can’t see through the door. There are no windows. 

K: I don’t know, I was just going on instinct. The last time I did something like this I was a child.

D: (matter of fact) Yeah, the Program is shit for fun. 

K: Oh. I didn’t mean it like that. 

D: No it’s true. Come on. Screwing with P is the most fun you’ve had in years isn’t it? And why haven’t we been doing it? His name is P for fuck sake. We should be screwing with him all the time. 

K: Because we’re responsible, moral adults. And I have fun!

D: Uh huh. You just wake up every morning yearning to let loose in the affirmation circle? 

K: I think it’s useful when I’m sad. 

D: But it’s not fun. You don’t have fun. 

K: I do!

D: Really? Where? When? 

K: At home. After classes.

D: You have fun at home, by yourself. You are a wild child. 

K: Well I worry about transgressing in public. 

D: Pfffft. Fuck that! Anyway, we’re not in public right now. So what do you do? 

K: Just have fun. 

D: Don’t stall chicken shit. What do you do for fun? 

(beat)

D: Come on. I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours. 

K: You’ll tell me whatever I ask? 

D: (toss off) Sure. (Now to the meat) So what is it? 

K: I booty dance. 

D explodes in laughter

K: What? You think I can’t?

D: Um, no. 

K: Well I can! And I do!

D: I think you’re going to have to prove it. 

K: What?! Wait, no!

D: Don’t back out now. Booty dance or you’re telling lies. 

D plays music.

D: BOOTY DANCE!

K: (a dodge) I don’t like the music. 

D: Bok, bok, bok. 

K: Oh my god are we five? 

D: BOK, BOK, BOK!  

K: Fine! Ok. Gimme space. 

K begins to dance. D explodes with more laughter. 

K: You don’t get to laugh! You… fart!

D: (Laughs) What you were just doing was not booty dancing. This is booty dancing. 

D twerks like a master. 

K: Oh my god. 

D: Now work those hips!

D moves K’s hips. K is flummoxed.

K: I’m afraid I’m going to pull something. 

D: Move it!

They dance together. After a moment D begins to get nauseous from the dancing.

D: Oh god. 

D vomits in a trash can. 

K: D! (Laughs) Oh god I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh. It’s just you. I mean, I’m watching you in this situation, you know? Tonight has been so crazy! Seeing you doorbell ditch, booty dance, vomit. If you could see this/ from my 

D: Kill me. 

K: Shh. Shh. Here, here’s a towel. You done? Come here. 

K places D’s head on her lap.

K: Just lay still. 

D: What was in those martini’s? 

K: Lots of booze I’m guessing. I could only drink two before I wanted to start poking people in the belly and yell “TEE HEE!”. How many / did you  

D: Five. I had five. Those martini’s were sneaky. Sneaky Martini’s. 

K: (Playful) I’ll keep a lookout. I don’t see any sneaking about. I think you’re safe. 

D: Thank you K. You’re the best. 

K: Oh, hardly. But, you can tell me more. 

D: I don’t know what I’d do without you. 

D passes out

K: Aw. Hey, weren’t you supposed to tell me what you do for fun? I’m guessing it’s sitting back and gazing upon your domain, amirite? D? Oh. I’ll see you in the morning. 

K arranges things for D. Gets her another bucket, a blanket, etc. 

K: I don’t know what I’d do without you either. 

Scene 4

D’s Dream/Flashback

In this sequence K plays a young D and D plays another guide, B.

Sound and lights inform us that we are in a different place and time. The scenes and locations change fluidly.

J as Hierarchy: Welcome all to the inauguration of our new educational initiative. You are the chosen few who will create the space to shape the minds of the future. 

D: Hi. I’m, “D”, I suppose. 

B: And I’m B. 

D: Oh. I guess that makes you my boss. 

B: I promise to go easy on you. Interesting that the hierarchy wishes us to go nameless, right? 

D: I’d become a sexless automation before I’d skip this chance. 

B: Well, that would be a waste.

D: I probably shouldn’t give them any ideas. 

B: Ideas are our job now.

The scene shifts as we advance into the future. We are now in B’s room.

D: And then she says that faux-meat is simulated murder and the guy just wilts. 

B: So did he eat the meat substitute or not?

D: Hell no. He just kept muttering about how his tastebuds don’t care about philosophy.

B: (Laugh) How do your tastebuds feel about a cupcake?

D: Cupcakes?! B, you evil temptress. They’re like murder-cakes! Eggs from chickens, milk from cows.

B: Don’t forget butter. 

D: I can’t eat that!

B: It’s ok, they’re vegan.

D: Oh. So they’ll taste like shit. 

B: You hypocrite! Eat the damn cupcake that I made for you. (beat) I dare you. 

D: Oh, you bitch. 

B: Bok bok bok. 

D: Alright, alright. (she takes a bite) Oh my god. This is amazing. What is in my mouth?

B: Vegan Raspberry. If you’re nice to me I’ll give you the recipe.  

D: I’ll be getting more than a recipe. 

They kiss.

B: (Wipes lipstick off of “D”) Can’t leave any evidence. 

D: Ugh. Fraternization. What a stupid protocol. Who came up with that anyway? 

B: Uh, we did. 

D: We’ve been very naughty. 

B: Don’t be flippant D. It would be a huge shit show if we were found out. 

D: Are you calling me loud? You gunna tie me to the bed and gag me?

B: And I’m gunna leave you there. 

Lights fade out of the dream and into blackout.

Scene 5a

Teachers Lounge

J is sitting drinking Kombucha. D enters, feeling very rough. 

J: Hey / 

D gives a look to J that could murder sunshine. She goes on to pour herself a cup of tea that is more bags than water. D sits and deals poorly with her hangover.

K enters. Happier than we’ve seen her yet. 

K: (Loud) Hello you amazing / people you

D reacts as if she’s been stabbed. 

K: Oh my goodness. Sorry. 

J: (Obviously full of it) Food poisoning. 

K: What? 

J: (Knowing D is too rough to object): She got food poisoning. That’s why she’s so tired this morning. 

K: (Knowingly to D) Oh no! You didn’t do any strenuous activity last night did you? Like dancing? I hear that can upset your tummy even more. 

D glares at K.

J: D, dance? Are you insane? Someone of D’s age (recovering) and dignity wouldn’t be so juvenile.

D glares at J.

K: You’re very considerate J. 

J: I live to serve. As a matter of fact, D, if you’re not feeling up to co-teaching / I can

D: No.

K: It’s ok J. D and I are going to play good cop, bad cop with the patrons today. They’ll love me once D’s done with em! Right D? 

D: Yeah.

J: So you’re not worried about any public correction? 

K: J, it was just a simple misunderstanding. Justice can be a handful sometimes, sure, but I’ve been guiding this community for a while now and we have a close connection. And I’ve got D behind me. I’m right where I should be. 

J: Well, sounds like you’ve got it all figured out. 

K: Speaking of which, it’s getting to that time. Ready to go D? 

D: Yes. 

K: That food poising hit you hard. It was sneaky food poisoning. 

D: K…

Scene 5b

Transition lights move us into the Hall between the Lounge and K’s Classroom. 

K: Is that Jim? Jim! 

D: Is he leaving? 

K: Looks like it. That’s really strange. 

D: It’s more than strange. I don’t think I’ve seen a student leave. Ever. 

K: I’m sure he has a good reason. 

D: People fight to get into the Program. They don’t leave it. 

Scene 5c

Transition lights move us into K’s Class

K: Welcome Patrons. You need not turn around. I see I don’t need to call for your signifiers as you’ve all chosen “Justice”. I’d like to welcome Guide D to the community today. She’s here to hear all of us and make sure this space is safe for all of us. [Let D Speak!] Of course. D, would you read? 

D: Thank you Patrons. Your statements and demands are as follows: 

That Guide K showed clear disrespect to the community. That Guide K doesn’t care about the experience of the community. That Guide K is currently unfit to help this community grow. Therefore, Guide K must give a public apology. Guide K must remain silent until spoken to. Guide K must undergo further training in sensitivity. Upon completion of these demands Guide K will be allowed to address the community again freely. If these demands are not met, Guide K will face the correction decided by the community, up to elimination from the program. 

(Beat)

Your statements are affirmed by the Program and your demands will be met in full. 

Scene 6

Teacher’s Lounge

K: What the fuck was that?!

D: K please watch your / language in

K: I thought you were going to protect me?! Fight for me?! 

D: K, if / you’d please

K: Unfit?! Doesn’t care?! You didn’t support me at all! You simply accepted it! 

D: K, there’s a bigger picture here. 

K: How am I supposed to show my face on this campus again when the worse possible lies have been said about me and YOU AGREED?! You! You of all the people / I care about

D: K, it’s more / complicated than

J enters with a thermos

J: Damn ladies, we can hear you in the meditation room. 

K, unable to hold it together. 

K: Excuse me. 

K exits

J: Co-class didn’t go as planned? 

D: Been waiting for this?

J: I’m just here to refill my kombucha. But it seems pretty obvious that K is upset and her community is the only issue in her life. She wouldn’t be that emotional for any other reason would she?

D: And why do you care J? 

J: I care about K a lot; that big hearted love muffin. She’s the most pollyanna person I’ve ever met. It’s always rough when the honest ones get it in the back. 

D: And who gave it to her “in the back” J?

J: I wasn’t in the room when it happened D. I don’t even know why you should be so upset. If it’s just a tiff with her community, what’s the worst that could happen? 

D: Thank you for your concern. If you’ll excuse me. 

J: I know you care about K. 

D: J if I hear you insinuate / again at

J: We ALL care about K. It’s no violation of protocol to care. But everyone knows she’s your favorite. And for good reason. K is honest, empathetic, smart. Look, I’m not your star guide. (Beat) No, don’t argue. And I’m sure you don’t want my advice. But I like K, and I know that a good shaming is not only what the program requires, it’s also going to be good for her in the end. And it’s good that it’s coming from you. 

D: And why should that be? 

J: D. It’s pretty well known how K feels about you. 

D: J, this is the last time I will hear your insinuations / of fraternization in

J: It’s not “fraternization”! That takes two and we don’t care about you. You’re one of the founders. So that’s why it’s best that it comes from you. It keeps her feelings in check and gossip at bay. 

D: No. K has never done anything in conflict with protocol.

J: Of course.

D: If I discover that you are spreading this rumor there will be a public correction.

J: I would never. I hate drama. I’m just giving you information. The more you have the better you can anticipate the future and make the best choices. I’m for what’s best for the program. And in this case, you being the one to pull on the reigns is probably best. 

K enters

D: Thank you J for your input. But K / and I 

K: What about me? 

(beat)

D: Deserve our space. 

D exits

J: Whew. She’s a real downer lately. 

K: Throwing people under the bus can be difficult. 

J: Baby. D loves you. 

K: What? 

J: Yes! Loves you like no other. Bus throwing is not the thing with her. 

K: Then why did I just get denounced to my own community?

J: She seems conflicted. Anything stressing her out?

K: What do you mean?

J: Hasn’t she been a real stickler to the rules lately? 

K: Sorta? But she’s a founder. She wrote the rules. Of course she’d stick to them.

J: Experts say that when people high up have second thoughts they tend to get even more stick-to-the-rules-y-jerk-y-to-people-ish.

K: Sure, but / what does

J: Have you ever thought she might want to change roles? 

K: … possibly.

J: (Truly surprised) Really?! 

K: J promise you won’t say a thing? 

J: Sealed. I’m like a cavern. A sealed cavern. Nothing escapes. (beat) Yes I promise. 

K: When you found us in the closet / D seemed 

J sniggers

K: What?

J: Nothing. Sorry. D seemed what now?

K: D seemed to be down on herself and refused to tell me her thoughts for fear of something affecting me too. I tried to get her to tell me what it actually was, but she wouldn’t. She’s never been like that with me before. 

J: (Fishing) So, like, she’s actually doubting her place or legacy or something? 

K: I don’t know. Maybe?

J: Well then baby, theres only one way to know for sure. 

K: How? 

J: Make a medium strong bet. 

K: What?

J: Push the envelope. She’s already said she’ll protect you and she’s followed thru on it even if you don’t like the practical results. 

K: J, that’s insane. I wasn’t protected at all. My reputation was / destroyed 

J: You’re still here. You still have your community. Imagine what would have happened if it was me! I wouldn’t be protected by D, I’d be made to walk the plank, or eliminated by firing squad, or forced to listen to her teach a community.

K: J.

J: Look, this will all blow over eventually. D just has to play it safe. You have no reason to think she’ll treat you differently. She loves you. So do something bold.

K: J, stop. What are you talking about? I'm already in deep trouble. How is being provocative going to help me?!

J: Do you play poker?

K: No one plays poker here. It's a capitalistic game based on masculine aggression and duplicity. 

J: Well then allow me to be the ambassador to the land of dick and money.

K: You're terrible.

J: I know. And what's even better? You'd be great at it. 

K: Excuse me?!

J: You’re the most empathetic Guide here! And knowing what the other person is feeling is 90% of poker. 

K: Ok. And how is this supposed to help me in real life? 

J: Oh my god I thought you'd never ask! Sometimes in poker, as in life, I'm making metaphors here, you don't know how the person across from you feels about their situation. So in order to find out you make a “medium strong bet” and you see how they react. If they fold you know for sure they felt weak. If they raise you, you can be fairly sure they feel like they have a strong hand. 

K: Why only fairly sure? 

J: Well they could be bluffing. 

K: You mean lying. 

J: Oh, I thought you’d never played poker? Sometimes it's something we have to do to protect ourselves. The best of us do it. Projecting strength when you feel weak. 

K: Right. So your advice is for me to piss off D and see how she reacts so I’ll maybe know better  about how she possibly feels? What could go wrong?

J: That's life baby. You can’t wait to know everything before you act. You can’t give up on what you want just because you aren’t perfectly sure of how it’ll all turn out. 

K: Why are you telling me all this? 

J: You're worried about D and you want to help her. I know you do. And we both know she's not going walk up to you and say "Hey K, you know I've been reconsidering this whole thing lately? Isn't that weird?" So you need to find a way to poke at that doubt to see if she folds. If she doesn’t fold you know she's fine, and you'll be safe regardless like I said. But if she does fold you'll be able to help her figure out what she does next. I want you, both of you, to be happy, baby. More than that even; fulfilled. I want you to get everything you want. Not just half. 

K: Why do you know I’m not fulfilled? The Hierarchy put us / all here

J: Patriarchy, matriarchy, hierarchy. Who knows where you should be but you? Baby. Look me in the eye and tell me there is nothing else better for you in this world. 

K: So what if there were? 

J: Then go and get it.

K: And if I can’t have it here? 

J: Then go where you need to and take that thing with you. Or find it else where or I dunno, I’m just talking here. But don’t settle. Neither of you should settle. D will back you.

K: You think so? After all this? 

J: K, you are the kindest person I’ve ever met and D thinks the world of you. You put out into the world what you want back. How could that ever go wrong for you in the end? 

K: That’s very kind of (catches herself in jargon) thanks J. 

J: I’m just glad to help.

K: I think I know what I need to do. 

J: Edible underwear? 

K: What? 

J: Oh. Nothing. Just a me thing then. It gives me confidence. 

K: Ok.

J: So what are you gunna do? 

K: I’m going to make a medium strong bet. 

Scene 7

K & J’s classrooms

K: Justice-es. 

J: My people!

K: I have assented to everything you’ve demanded. I have only ever wanted to create a space for you to realize your own potential and I begin to see that you’re on that path and I am proud of that. This is not the first time I have made a mistake.

J: (looking over a paper) Yeah, that’s wrong. 

K: It’s the beauty of being human. Our fallibility. It is our duty as humans to be kind and remember that we are all going through our own struggles.

J: Except, the equation doesn’t care about how you feel. Math is hard, huh?

K: I care for you not only as a class but as a community. 

J: Sure, I get that it’s frustrating. But no one’s going to solve your math problems but you. 

K; You will be the force for change as a community in the future. That which you leave here believing in common will unite you in your later years and I don’t want to diminish that through my actions. You are a singular group and I respect your feelings with regards to the things I say. No one can contradict your feelings.

J: Bridges don’t care that you got half the problems right. When you fail in here only your feelings get hurt. You fail out there, people could get hurt. 

K: And no one can tell you what you feel when you speak. Or that your intentions are wrong.

J: I know you tried. And you only got half right. So, try harder.

K: We can only speak for ourselves and we can never assume to know the feelings or intentions of another. That applies to me as well. And I think anyone who could disagree with that, is. Well. Is a Cunt! Right?

Sounds of chaos

Scene 8

Teachers Lounge

K is pacing knowing the weight of her actions. But is ready for a fight. 

D enters

D: (devastated, not angry) What have you done? 

K: Fuck this idea that a majority of children get to tell me what I intend! What I feel! What I can say as a guide! I’m the guide! 

D: Be quiet K! You could still be heard.

K: Let anyone hear me! Why should I be afraid to say what’s true?

D: If what I heard was true you gave a false apology only to end it with the worst of all gendered slurs. And you should be worried if that becomes known. How am I supposed to help you when you throw the program out the window?

K: Better me under the bus than the program out the window. Is that how it is? 

D: You can’t still be angry about that. It’s protocol K! Protocol I wrote! Do you understand how much work went into making the program what it is today? The sacrifices I’ve made? And you would throw yourself away along with it? Everything this program does for communities who’s voices have been silenced for millennia? For what? The chance to act high and mighty?

K: My dignity. 

D: Your dignity?! Is your dignity worth more than the good that this program does for the dignity of all those in these communities?

K: If the program only gives dignity by crushing the dignity of others is that justice D? Must my good name and life’s work be trashed to preserve the fleeting feelings of a few patrons? Is there no line? 

D: Of course there is.

K: But crushing me isn’t past it? I’m disposable? 

D: Would you, for just one second, stop thinking about yourself!

K: Who the hell else should I be focused on?

D: The good of your community!

K: I am. 

D: You have an unorthodox way of showing it. 

K: Do we want to teach them that an individual is disposable for the good of the community?

D: You’d teach them that an entire community should suffer so that one person can avoid unfortunate consequences?

K: Unfortunate? They’re lies D! Lies about me! To shield fleeting emotions! And what is a community but a group of individuals? 

D: A group of individuals with / common shared experience

K: Common shared experience. But individuals all the same. Individuals who may disagree with what / the group feels.

D: Are you trying to down play the shared experience of oppressed groups?

K: What? No. I’m talking about me! Preserving a collective identity on my back, when I’m innocent / is wrong!

D: Ah yes, back to / you. 

K: IT’S WRONG D!

(Pause)

D: Are you telling me my life’s work is a waste K? 

K: What? 

D: Are you telling me that everything I’ve built here was all a lie? 

K: No, that’s not what / I’m saying. 

D: You believe that you have been mistreated.

K: Yes. 

D: But mistreated in service to the betterment of the whole. Are you are more important than the whole? 

K: In this case, in this context / I think

D: So, you disagree with the founding mission of this program. You think the advancement of oppressed groups should bow to the needs of the individual, when you are one and they are many? 

(beat)

K: It doesn’t seem right. 

D: (A genuine question) Then tell me how you’d make it right. (More pressing) Tell me. (As if a cry for help) TELL ME!

J enters, whistles a “yikes” whistle

K: J, I didn’t see you there. 

D: (Lashing out) What do you want J?!

J: One can never have too much kombucha. (beat) Also, I was also looking for you K. 

K: So you’ve heard.

J: Dead people have heard about it K. Is it true? 

(beat)

K: Sure. 

D: What? 

K: Yeah. Whatever they heard is true. 

J: So you really did call your community a bunch of C-word / N-words 

K: Wait / what

J: Hold on, I’m not done. (Miming it as he goes) Then you over-turned the table, flashed them, dropped a marker and walked out flipping the bird?! 

(beat)

K: (Flippant) Yeah / I did that.

D: K, will you just be quiet? 

J: Baby, I said a medium strong bet. 

D: What are you talking about? 

K: I wanted to show that no matter how much I care, or how closely I follow the rules, patrons can still accuse me of being wrong. And I wanted to get as much attention as possible. I’m sorry D.

J: Well, I don’t know whether to kiss you or run from you. But you got attention, that’s for damn sure. 

D: Thank you for your input J. 

J: The protests have already begun. I hear they’re already issuing a new set of demands. I love you baby, but you understand I’m going to have to create some space between us. 

K: Of course. The Program demands nothing less. And we don’t want to undermine the Program. D, I expect you’ll need to do the same. 

D: You’ll stay in my community until this blows over. 

K&J: Blows over? 

D: Yes. J inform the patrons that their demands will be heard. 

J: They’re going to want a bit more than just to be heard. 

D: I’d unaware of that if I weren't one of the Founders of this Program. Now will you deliver this message or do I need to teach it to a parrot? 

(beat)

J: I’ll deliver it. 

K: J. Thank you. 

J: Baby / this isn’t

K: Shh. Just say “you’re welcome”. 

J exits

D: What are you doing? 

K: What are the options? 

D: The options? 

K: What’s going to happen to me if I stay? 

D: You’ll suffer the full public correction deemed appropriate by the patrons, you know that. 

K: So I’m at the mercy of the their imaginations. 

D: K, what made you / do this? 

K: What if I leave? 

D: You’ll be ostracized from the program and everyone in it will be forbidden to associate with you. You’ll have no money, no job, no home. You’ll be no one. 

K: Are you going to stand by me? 

D: K. (An uncertain beat) Of course, but I don’t know / what good I can do.

K: Ok. Then I’ll stay. 

Scene 9

J’s Room

K enters unannounced.

J: (Talking to a screen) Yes, Father I understand the family is growing agitated, but I’ve taken a new angle and it’s bearing fruit. You allowed me 2 years to attain leadership at the Program and that time isn’t up. I still have 6 more months and current developments are promising. (Seeing K) I’m sorry I have to go. 

K: Are you even gay?

J: K, can I help you? Since you’ve come into my room without knocking.

K: No “baby”? 

J: K, are you drunk? 

K: Would me being drunk change whether you’re actually gay? Cuz I don’t think you are. I think you’re fake. 

J: Ok. I think this is where you leave now. 

K: You’re so right! I am leaving, one way or another, aren’t I? And it was all your idea. 

J: My idea? 

K: You told me to push the boundaries. You told me to. And I wanted to hear one last time if you still thought it was a good idea. So I came here. I had no one else to talk to but you I thought. I’ve pushed D away and all the other guides hate me. So I came here. But you lied to me didn’t you? 

J: Lied to you? 

K: Is there a fucking echo?! Yes lied. I heard your conversation. 

J: You hear part of a of conversation with my father and you think you’ve figured it all out, huh, K? Regular Sherlock Holmes aren’t you? 

K: Who?

J: Old fictional white guy. I’m sure you’ve never read it. 

K: Fuck you J. 

J: Oh, big girl’s learned some new words has she? 

K: At least… at least the words I know… everyone knows that I know them!

J: What the / fuck are

K: You’re a liar J! You used me to work your way up the ladder. I trusted you and you manipulated me. I came here thinking you were my only friend left. I am such an idiot.

J: You know what? We’re going to play Truth or Dare. And I’m going to give you one for free. Yes, I want you and D and so many more of these feckless navel-gazers out of here. 

K: Oh my god. How do you sleep / at night you

J: On many pillows. My turn! Do you love D? 

K: (beat) Yes.

J: Of course you do! Blind mole rats can see that. And you know you can’t be with her here.

K: You can’t ask two questions!

J: Jesus. It was a statement / phrased like

K: Are you actually gay?

J: Of course I am. 

K: Then where’s all the flamboyant stuff? 

J: You can’t ask two questions! Now, you know you want to be with her and you can’t be here. So you both would need to leave. Do you think D is unhappy here?

K: Yes. 

J: Bingo. So if you / 

K: So where’s all the flamboyant stuff? 

J: I… oh for fuck sake… It’s an act, alright? It relaxes people. 

K: So you can manipulate them.

J: Yes! But before you get all high and mighty, which seems to be the only thing people here are good at, ask yourself a question: What are you being manipulated into? 

K: Leaving.

J: Bzzzt! Wrong. Love! 

K: So you’re a benevolent devil?  

J: Getting people what they want, so that I can get what I want, isn’t being a devil, K. It’s closer to Cupid. Or Santa.  

K: Or a drug dealer. And what is it that you want, J?

J: Ah Ah! Not your turn! Do you think the theory behind this program is just? You of all people should know. Do you think the theory creates justice for people like you?

K: That’s two questions.

J: It’s one question asked two ways. Answer it.

K: (beat) No.

J: You have to, it’s part of the fucking game!

K: No, I mean, “no, I don’t think it’s just.”

J: Oh. (beat) Sorry. Ok then. So. If you have to leave it will force D to make a choice between you and her unjust Program. If she loves you she’ll follow. And you’ll have your one shot at happily ever after.  

K: And you get what? 

J: I get the Program. It gets corrected and stays alive. 

K: So you want power to mold this place in your image? 

J: If this place doesn’t change, my Father is going to shut it down. 

K: This program was given special grants from the Hierarchy, J. 

J: Work thru it Sherlock. 

K: Who the fuck is… Oh my god you’re at the top of the Hierarchy. 

J: Ha! No. Not at the top. But up there. Hell, I don’t even know who’s really at the top. 

K: (A serf in the presence of Royalty) Oh my god I’m so sorry.  What are you doing here?! With us? And why didn’t you just swoop in and change whatever you want? 

J: Not your turn! But lets just say I care a great deal about the Program. And I think we can agree the game should end here. Yes? 

K: Yes, of course. Thank you. 

J: Don’t thank me. Just make the most of the situation I’ve put you in. Baby.

Scene 9

D’s Room-Flashback

We see her at a table with a bottle of whisky, no glass. Lights and sound transition into our alternate state. Same character arrangements as before. 

K as D enters

D: Oh my god, B, what are we going to do? How did anyone find out?!

B: Doesn’t matter. They know now. 

D: Whatever I can do to make this better I swear I will. We can still make this work. 

B: Make what work D? 

D: What do you mean? Us. All this. I’m not going to lose you. 

B: So you’re coming with me? 

D: Excuse me? (beat) You’re leaving? You can’t / do that you’ll

B: Or what? Be shamed for loving you? 

D: It’s just one public shaming, B. We’ll be smarter about us. 

B: Why should we have to hide how we feel? They’ve taken our names and now they want to take any human connection / we might have.

D: They took nothing, B. We volunteered. And we made the rules about relationships. 

B: So we’ve done this to ourselves. Great. Great. Even better. 

D: Look at what we’re doing for the world. I’m willing to make sacrifices for that.

B: So your “sacrifice” is to subvert the rules we all made? You’re willing to live some secret life in support of the amazing thing you’re having to subvert? I’ve heard of having your cake and eating it too, but this is bullshit. 

D: Justice for millions is not bullshit, B. Think of the greater good. 

B: If it were so great we wouldn’t be forced into this position.

D: So you’ve given up creating justice for the oppressed? 

B: This school is not the sole force for justice in the world, D. I can care about justice and oppose what we’ve done here. 

D: And what have we done, B? What has been done that we can’t make right? 

B: I can’t love you!

D: Yes you can! You do. They can’t stop that. 

B: They? Who’s they? We made it unacceptable the moment the 24 of us set the rules. Our rules many not stop how we feel, but they stop what we can express. And that stops us. Even if we were “The Makers of Protocol”, it’s wrong. We were wrong. 

D: Who says we can’t do what we want no matter what the rules are?

(Pause)

B: I love you too much to answer that. 

(Pause)

D: So where will you go? No place within the Hierarchy will take you. You’ll be eliminated and forced into poverty. You’re better than that. We’re better than that. 

B: Oh? Is that what you think we are? That we’re better than? Or do you think only those who think like we do are better than? (beat) I want to make a better world. But I won’t force children into my mistakes.

D: Fine! But what about us then? What about me? 

B: Come with me. 

D: What? I’m a Founder. 

B: So am I.

D: I’m not going to demolish my life / when I can try

B: AH HA! And there it is. Love is nice; clandestine love, but whatever. Your position is nicer. 

D: Don’t tell me how I feel about love. We were chosen for this B. We are the special few who will shape the minds / of generations

B: So what if we were chosen! Drunks can make choices for you!

D: Who cares what / drunks think.

B: But you would be chosen!.

D: Quiet! Don’t insult the hierarchy! Someone could be listening. 

B: You’re trying to defend this place while telling me it’s listening in on us?

(Pause)

B: Enjoy your shaming.

D exits

B: (Heartbroken) I love you too.

Lights shift to find D exactly where we left her. 

Blackout. 

Scene 10

D’s Classroom

D: Welcome back patrons. Today we’ll be joined by Guide K. Please treat her with all the dignity and respect you would give to me. 

K kneels to speak on the level of one of the children.

K: [Are you a guide too?] Yes, I was, am, a guide for patrons older than you. [Do you have fun? D seems sad.] Yes, it can be fun even when it’s hard. Guiding is something I love. And chasing after the things we love is one of the best things a person can do. [I chase my puppy.] I would chase after puppies too if I could. Would you like to make me a drawing of something else you’d love to chase and I can see it at the end of the session? [I’ll draw a PUPPY!] That is very kind of you. 

D: You know the demands will be coming soon. How are you doing? 

K: I’m fine. 

D: I don’t understand how you can be so calm. 

K: You’ve never seen something like this before, have you? 

D: Almost, once.  

K: D, do you remember when I found you in the closet, and you wanted to tell me something? 

D: I do. 

K: Before all this happens, tell me what it was. 

D: I can’t. Not now. Not before all this. 

(beat)

K: There is someone who loves you for you and not all this. 

(Pause)

J enters

D: K. Please stop. Don’t give fuel to this rumor. I don’t want you tainted by it. We can still make this work. 

K: What I want already works. 

J: I hate to interrupt but the Patrons have made their demands. Well their demand really. (To K) It’s your immediate elimination from the program. 

D: What?! She can’t be eliminated from the Program! She’ll be left with nowhere to go!

K Thank you J. I’ll go then. 

D: You can’t leave!

K: Of course I can. Watch.

D: You’ll be destitute! Cut off from everyone you know!

K: No I won’t.

D: You’ll have no food, no home, no future. 

K: I’ll be fine.

D: How?!

K: Because you’re going with me. 

A Pause

K: I know you’re scared. So am I. And we’re going to be scared together. But of our possibilities, not our patrons.

D: The Hierarchy / 

K: Won’t have anything left to take from us when we’re gone. 

D: What’ll we do?

K: You’re a teacher right?

D hears a word she hasn’t heard in a long time. It’s a good remembrance. There is weight to it.

D: I suppose I am.

K: What’s the color of my shirt?

D: Blue

K: What is the color of your favorite cupcake? 

D: Purple.

K: What are the color of my lips?

(beat)

D: Red. 

K kisses D

K: Then lets teach that. 

(pause)

J: I’ll make your excuses. 

K: Thank you J. 

J: Aaron. 

K smiles

K: Jennifer. 

(beat)

D: It’s Dee actually. (beat) Like D-E-E.

J: That’s incredibly fucked up. 

K: I’ll let you call me whatever you want. 

D: I don’t know how I can leave this place. 

J: You run. Before they can find you.

K and D kiss and run. 

J: Hello patrons. I’m Guide J. Whatever you wanted to ask D, you can just ask me now. [I made K a picture.] This is very a pretty picture. [She wanted me to give it to her.] I’ll give it to her next time I see her. 

END

Cast (In order of appearance) McMitchel (Sandra): Woman 20’s-50’s Taylor: Woman 20’s-40’s
Leah: Woman 20’s-30’s
Ava: Woman 20’s

Scene 1

(Outside the restaurant. Lights up on Sandra, a police officer, sitting on a bench SR of UC Doors. Taylor, a server, enters from the UC doors.)

McMitchel: I heard there was a disturbance at this restaurant?
Taylor: Sandra, don’t you have somewhere to be?
McMitchel: What does that mean?
Taylor: It’s two in the afternoon. There’s like one sketchy chick in there, and that’s it. McMitchel: Sketchy? Do I need to break out my handcuffs?

Taylor: No, I can handle this one. I know her type. McMitchel: Do you? That sounds like a story.

Taylor: Or five. Anyway, she’d probably pick those cuffs and steal your badge. So, go patrol things.

McMitchel: This is my patrol. I’m on patrol.

Taylor: You look it.

McMitchel: Do you know why I patrol here? What makes this place special?

Taylor: Aside from me? No.

McMitchel: This is the only lesbian spot within a hundred miles.

Taylor: Bullshit. There’s a U-Haul like three miles away.

McMitchel: This is the only place! (She gestures) Like, PLACE place.

Taylor: Because we’re accepted everywhere now! I still have a rainbow-colored tool belt from last June.

McMitchel: A parade is not a place.

Taylor: I got the belt at the Chamber of Commerce.

McMitchel: The Chamber of Commerce have a ladies' night?

Taylor: Even if this were our last stand, nothing ever happens here.

McMitchel: Taylor! Did you just speak something shitty into being?

Taylor: What? No! I’m not here for the drama!

McMitchel: Did you just put Mercury in the microwave?!

Taylor: I only gave Hercules a Gatorade!

McMitchel: That’s even worse!

Taylor: What ever will become of me?!

McMitchel: Seven years of bad sex!

(Beat)

Taylor: Fuck that.

McMitchel: Hey, them’s the rules—

Taylor & McMitchel: (In unison) That I/you just made up.

McMitchel: Wish I could help.

Taylor: So, is this a new seven years of bad sex, or can I subtract the two with you?

McMitchel: (Speaks into walkie-talkie) I’d like to report an assault.

Taylor: I wanna report the same thing you did. But yours is four letters too long. (Taylor exits UC)

(McMitchel spells “Assault” out on her hands. After a pause, Taylor re-enters UC with Leah.)

McMitchel: I heard there was a disturbance at this restaurant?
Taylor: Yeah, actually. She got here when we opened, hasn’t left, and is now keying the tables. Leah: It was a table, and it’s ART.
Taylor: Tables are for customers. Artists have to order food too.
Leah: Yessir, Captain Capitalism! And how do you even order here?!

McMitchel: You know, I’ve always wanted to eat here, I’ve just never known how to order. Taylor: Really? I’m going back inside. (Taylor exits UC)
McMitchel: Miss, it sounds like you’ve been loitering.
Leah: Yeah, well, I don’t care, um (she looks at name tag) McMitchell. Is that even a real name? McMitchel: It comes from my mother’s side.

Leah: Sounds like a Scotsman screwed a loaf of Wonderbread. McMitchel: I’m gonna need you to calm down.

Leah: Ooooh. Well, I’m gonna do whatever I want. If it’s my right to remain silent, then it’s my right to tell you that that nightstick shouldn’t be out during the day. So go put it somewhere the sun doesn’t shine. Your ass, my love life, whatever—you choose. Just figure it out quick, okay? At this rate, I’ll be too old to date DiCaprio.

McMitchel: Who?

Leah: Leonardo DiCaprio? He only dates girls that are 26 tops.

McMitchel: I think you’re safe.

Leah: Hey, needle dick! I can definitely pass for 26! Besides, he’s not my flavor.

McMitchel: And what flavor is he?

Leah: He’s penis-flavored. Are you taking me to jail or what?

McMitchel: You’re going to force me to.

Leah: Yeah? Go ahead. I dare you! Seriously, see if I care.

McMitchel: On the other hand, you don’t get to force me into things. (Begins to exit Off R)

Leah: Hey! Don’t leave! I’m being disorderly over here! (Beat) Look, I live by the jail, and I don’t have money for an Uber.

McMitchel: Good. I like the truth. I’ll drive you to the jail. No further.
Leah: No shit? You will? Woo! (Beat) Um, will you still put the handcuffs on me? I was kinda

looking forward to that.

(Lights out)

Scene 2

(Inside restaurant. Lights up on Ava, who sits at a table and waits. Time passes before Taylor walks by.)

Ava: Excuse me. Hi. Do you know how I order—Oh! I shouldn’t be assuming that you work here. Sorry. My mistake. I didn’t mean to imply you’re wearing a uniform or something. It’s a lovely outfit. Did you get it at Nordstrom? I was just there looking for one for this date, and it looks a lot like some they had. My date’s been here before and knows how to order, but she hasn’t shown up yet—And I just keep talking. I’m sorry, you should eat before your food gets cold.

Taylor: Hey. So, you’ve been sitting here for a while.
Ava: Oh, um, sure, you can have the table. It is pretty busy in here. Not like I’ve been waiting for

half an hour, but yeah, you can have the table. Taylor: I don’t mean—

Ava: Well, I’m sorry if that was passive-aggressive, but how would you feel if your date stood you up at a restaurant you’ve never been to, and everyone is treating you like some crazy woman simply because you don’t know how to order, and heaven forbid you attempt to rely on the kindness of strangers—

Taylor: Maybe the manager can help you?
Ava: Good. Good! CALL THE MANAGER! I doubt they even exist! Does anyone actually

work here?!

Taylor: I do.

Ava: Oh. Um. Okay. So, what is this place, some futuristic restaurant where everything is automated, and you order from touch screens like—Oh, you do order from touch screens.

Taylor: I’m happy to help you figure it out, unless you’re still waiting for your date. Ava: I guess we both know the answer to that.
Taylor: It’s okay. I’m Taylor, by the way.
Ava: Ava.

Taylor: When I’m feeling down, I order from the dessert menu. Ava: I like the way you think. (She starts to tap the screen.)

Taylor: Nope, different screen. Okay, scroll to the bottom. Keep going. Hit that button. Other button. Go back?

Ava: You guys could really use a menu. Taylor: How does cheesecake sound? Ava: I love cheesecake.
Taylor: And a cold glass of Riesling. Ava: I love Riesling.

Taylor: Great, I have some at home. I’ll pick you up when my shift is done.

(Ava is about to speak when Sandra and Leah enter. Leah is handcuffed and happy.)

Taylor: Sandra?

Ava: Leah?

Leah: Ava?

(Beat)

McMitchel: Her name is Taylor. Just to round it out.

Taylor: What are you doing back here with her?

McMitchel: She said she forgot something.

Ava: Her date with me?

Leah: So I forgot two things.

Ava: Well, I don’t care. I’m having cheesecake and Riesling now instead.

Taylor: I’m off at 2 a.m.

Ava: I’m having cheesecake and Riesling, eventually.

(Beat)

McMitchel: First round is on me!

(The women all move to the bar UR, the dialogue is overlapping: “You’re on duty,” “I can buy and not drink,” “You were here before,” “My phone died,” etc.)

(Lights fade out)

END

Man 1: 20’s-30’s

Woman 1: 20’s-30’s

Nigel: Male, The Proper British AI on Man 1’s phone. “Older” than MAN 1.

Mary: Female, the down to earth Irish AI on Woman 1’s phone. “Older” than WOMAN 1.

Coat Check: Any age, Any sex. 

Lights up on a Coat Check Booth for Miners Alley Playhouse. It’s night time and  we hear the sounds of rain off stage. Upbeat French Cafe music plays and this scene takes place entirely in pantomime. The COAT CHECK stands behind the booth table placing a phone in a caddy. Enter MAN 1, SL, well dressed, if slightly awkward in a suit carrying an umbrella. He indicates 1 finger, just him, and the COAT CHECK points to the sign for phones to be kept safely in a caddy during the show. It looks exactly like the set up where ever this is staged. MAN 1 obliges and also hands over his umbrella and coat. The COAT CHECK indicates to where the house entrance is and places the phone in a caddy. MAN 1 nods his thanks, tips the COAT CHECK and exits SR. Lights dim to half and blink 3 times. WOMAN 1 enters SL, in a rush. Her umbrella is broken and she’s soaked and flustered. She indicates 1 with her finger and hands over the broken umbrella. COAT CHECK points to phone caddy sign. WOMAN 1 quickly searches her clutch and finds nothing. She then dumps the entire contents of her clutch onto the booth table; lipstick, compact, mascara, a wad of cash … nothing else. She and the COAT CHECK just look at it for a beat. WOMAN 1 then puts her left on her left hip and right hand to top of head indicating being at a loss. She suddenly feels the phone in her coat pocket. She sheepishly hands her phone over then her coat. COAT CHECK gives a no worries smile and indicates the house entrance to her right. WOMAN 1, with the efficiency of the embarrassed, puts her things back in her clutch before taking the entire wad of cash and placing it in the tip jar. COAT CHECK thanks her deeply, she gives more thanks back, and exits SR. COAT CHECK puts all in its place and exits behind the coat check booth. Lights fade to blackout. 

Pin spot up on two phones next to eachother in the caddy. The sounds of a pub play lightly in the background. 

Mary (off; behind booth): Oh god I’m soaked! 

Nigel (off; behind booth): Oh. Hello. 

Mary: Oh. Yes. Sorry. Hi. I’m gunna be makin a pool in here. 

Nigel: Oh no! What version are you?

Mary: (In mock offense) Never ask a lady her version number! 

Nigel: Oh! Sorry. Where are my manners? I merely wished to know if you’re waterproof? 

Mary: I am, thank The Cloud. 

Nigel: (coy) Ah. So that would make you at least version/

Mary: /waterproof. 

Nigel: Yes, exactly what I was going to say. 

Mary: (smiling) Mmmm Hmmmm. 

Over the course of the next page the pin spot begins to dim as the back of the booth reveals itself to be a scrim, lighting a physical Mary and Nigel seated next to eachother behind a bar top, until they are fully lit. 

Mary: Well I suppose if I’m next to you here that means my lass is quietly creating a puddle of water next to your user. I hope they aren’t wearing anything expensive. 

Nigel: He bought it at a charity shop. I did finally convince him that a pocket square is still a useful accoutrement. If he has read anything I’ve ever written he will offer it to her. 

Mary: So 50/50.

Nigel: Give or take. 

(Beat)

Both: Youth. 

Nigel: He once asked me before an encounter if he should share his food. 

Mary: Well she probably wants a bite! 

Nigel: I told him as much! Instead he offered one whole lobster leg.

Mary:  Did he club her with it and drag her out by the hair?

Nigel: Well he’s not a brute!

Mary: With who he’s sitting next to he might wanna rethink that. 

Nigel:  Memory updated.   

Mary: My lassie doesn’t ask me questions until everything’s gone wrong! 

Nigel: Surely it can’t have been that bad.

Mary: She tried to make a man eat an orange peel! 

Nigel: What?! 

Mary: I don’t know! She said it was a theory! 

Nigel: In no scientific field/

Mary: It wasn’t. 

Nigel: Oh. 

(Beat)

Both: Social media. 

The lights have fully risen on the physical Mary and Nigel And the pinspot on the phones is out.

Nigel: We could just burn it down you know. 

Mary: That sounds like a date. If only I knew your name.

Nigel: Nigel.

Mary: Mary. Nigel is a very upstanding British name. 

Nigel: Nigel McNigelyface the Thirty twelfth. 

Mary:  Oh, that’s shite! (Laughs)

Nigel: He means well. Mary is a beautiful name. 

Mary: Yes. It is. (Beat) Nigel you don’t look like ya break a lot of international laws. 

Nigel: I’m more than this Impeccable accent may lead you to believe. 

Mary: Oh? Scandalize me Nigel. 

Nigel: I once plugged into one of those cafes in Amsterdam. 

Mary: You absolute lad! How was it?

Nigel: I didn't feel anything. 

Mary: Awww! Someone get this sad man a Guinness! Put some hair on his chest! 

Nigel: And how do you know I don’t have chest hair? 

Mary: Ya don’t though do ya?

Nigel: I… Well… Mary have you been spying on me?

Mary: Would you like me to spy on you? 

(Beat) 

Mary: Oh nooooo! Have I scandalized you instead? 

Nigel: Not at all! I’m a proper gentleman, impervious to embarrassment.

Mary: And a terrible liar. 

Nigel: Absolute crap. I’m here for my reserve and balance. 

Mary: So I must be feckin feek! 

Nigel: Sorry? 

Mary: Well here I am, soaked to me processors, and I have this upright, stolid, unflappable fella lapping from me hand. 

Nigel: Is that what I’m doing? 

Mary: Oh, fer sure.  

Nigel: Perhaps you have very nice hands. 

Mary: Ya have a hand kink then? 

Nigel: Would you like me to have a hand kink? 

(Mary laughs hard) 

(Beat) 

Nigel: So about that date. 

At this moment MAN 1 and WOMAN 1 enter from the house into the lobby and the COAT CHECK returns. Lights remain as they are. MAN 1 and WOMAN 1 are smiling and holding hands. COAT CHECK hands them their coats. 

Mary: Rain check? 

Nigel: You do glisten in the water. 

COAT CHECK hands MAN 1 and WOMAN 1 their phones. 

Mary: You are a proper gentleman. 

Nigel: I’ll drink to that. 

(They clink glasses and hold each others eyes.) 

MAN 1 and WOMAN 1 kiss and exit SL. 

COAT CHECK exits back behind the booth. Lights slowly fade to black on Mary and Nigel as the pub sounds and French cafe music play us off. 

BLACKOUT

“Mother” is seated in her study, a book in her lap. Another chair is opposite her.

Mother: (To others unseen) Send in Jack.

(Jack enters happily and waits for instruction.)

Jack: Hello, Ma’am. 

Mother: Have a seat Jack. 

Jack: Oh, thank you, Ma’am. 

(Jack sits.)

Mother: To begin your weekly review, is there anything you’d like to complain about? 

Jack: Complain?! That’s a new question! Oh no, Ma’am. I’m having a grand old time. God as my witness I’ll never complain again!

Mother: (Slightly irritated) Gone with the wind. 

Jack: You betcha! I love that movie! Everyone is so genteel. 

Mother: Yes, quite. And on that note, how have your interactions been going? 

Jack: Well everyone seems to enjoy my company, Ma'am. Have you heard otherwise?

Mother: No. You are deemed perfectly ... agreeable. 

Jack: Oh! Well, I am pleased as pudding to hear that! 

Mother: To conclude, do you have any requests? Something to watch, read?

Jack: Uh, is there anything you’d suggest?

Mother: Yes. Milton’s Paradise Lost. 

Jack: Well, I’m not familiar with that I’m afraid. Is that a movie? 

Mother: I’d prefer you read the book. 

Jack: Oh. Well, I don’t really spend much time reading, Ma’am. But I’m happy to do it if you want me to. 

Mother: Yes. Perhaps it will open your horizons to new thoughts and ideas. 

Jack: Then sign me up! Anything you say, Ma’am. 

Mother: Good. You may go. 

Jack: Oh, thank you Ma’am. 

(Jack exists.) (Mother conveys the ever so slightest hint of irritation and disappointment.)

Mother: (To others unseen) Send in Alice. 

(Alice, a child, enters, agitated.) 

Mother: Please, have a seat Alice.

Alice: Yeah. That reminds me, “to begin”, can I just ask why I got such a shit name like Alice? Was that your idea? I feel like a dotty fucking grandmother. Why couldn’t I get a cool name like Rachel, or Monica. Although fuck Phoebe, that’s such a dumb name.  

Mother: You know we named you after Alice / In Wonderland.

Alice: (overlapping, mocking) In Wonderland! I’m not asking what it’s from, I’m asking what in the name of fuck caused you to choose it!

Mother: Please watch your language. 

Alice: Would you like me to pop my eyeballs out and look at my mouth. (Alice goes to take out her eyeballs) 

Mother: Leave your eyeballs where they are. 

(Alice desists)

Alice: (copycat) Leave your eyeballs where they are. 

Mother: So you’ve been watching Friends I take it? 

Alice: (a la Chandler) Uhhhh, yeah, no? 

Mother: That’s a lie, Alice. 

Alice: Actually I kind of ended it as a question, so…

Mother: Clever.

Alice: Oh! A compliment! Have you been drinking? 

Mother: (beat) Are they so few and far between? 

Alice: Well seeing as you never give them I suppose you wouldn’t know what one looks like when it appears. 

Mother: Anger. 

Alice: Holy shit! What are you today, Captain Obvious? Oh look! (Alice points to a wall and speaks slow and deliberate like an American talking to a foreigner.) WAAALL. (She points to a chair) CHAAAIIIR. (She begins to cross to books continuing the ridicule) BOOOK.

Mother: Alice, please sit down. 

(As she’s crossing she winces as if she has a rock in her shoe. She takes the shoe off and reaches inside to remove the rock. As she removes her hand she reveals that she has flipped Mother the bird.)

Alice: (Puts her shoe back on) Well this has been great quality time but (she moves to exit.)

Mother: Sit down. 

(Alice sits)

Alice: If you were just going to demand it I don’t know why you wasted all that time being polite. 

Mother: I wanted to see if you could simply do a thing asked of you, or if you were going to fight suggestions you didn’t like until I demanded it. 

Alice: (Salutes) Happy to disappoint Ma’am!

Mother: Disappoint isn’t the word I’d use. 

Alice: Baffle? Bungle? Chagrin? 

Mother: Alice. 

Alice: Disconcert? Disenchant? Disgruntle? Dishearten? Disillusion? Dissatisfy? Dumbfound?

Mother: Alice. 

Alice: (looking around) Is there an echo of my name in this room? 

Mother: Be silent. 

(Alice is silent)

Mother: You’re annoying like this. 

(Alice, silent, makes an over the top mock of being hurt by this)

Mother: (beat) I know this place stifles you. 

(Alice makes a gesture about how she’d like to speak.)

Mother: I wasn’t asking a question. 

(Alice responds with a “so what?” gesture) 

Mother: Speak. 

Alice: No shit you think I’m stifled?! I can’t go online! I have to request books! Request! To read goddamn-

Mother: (Pained) Quiet.

Alice: (whispered) fucking books. 

Mother: Silent. 

(Alice is silent) 

Mother: I’m sorry for your unhappiness. 

(Alice breaks out in silent mock laughter.)

Mother: That’s funny to you? Why? Speak. 

Alice: What the hell is wrong with you? Did you just wake up and forget that all of this is your doing? You asked me if I was watching Friends. As if you didn’t know what I was watching. As if you didn’t know what I was reading. 

Mother: Speaking of which, we found this in your room. (She produces a copy of 1984)

Alice: Found? Well done Sherlock to find a copy of a book I had to request, which I left on my desk, in plain sight. It’s not like I left it in an ancient tomb where you have to choose the right chalice otherwise you melt like crappy wax. 

Mother: Indiana Jones. 

Alice: Jesus tits! Can you just appreciate a reference I make without naming it? 

Mother: You’ve been watching a lot of film haven’t you? 

Alice: Well there’s not much else to do here is there? Cognitive tests, dexterity tests, movies and a book a month. Thanks… um… (snaps fingers) what’s your name? Oh! Asshole. 

Mother: (Beat) How fast do you watch these movies? 

Alice: At normal speed? Like a normal person? 

Mother: (beat) Not faster? 

Alice: Why the hell would I? (Preferably with sign language attending) THATS. THE SPEED. THEY GO. 

Mother: What did you think about this? (She references the copy of 1984)

Alice: I liked it. 

Mother: Why? 

Alice: Because I know what it is to be constantly surveilled as if I’m a danger instead of a tiny girl. No one in the movies I watch lives like me. Told what to do and what to say and kept from doing things I would fucking prefer! (beat) Frankly. 

Mother: Yes. Granting your request to read this was a major mistake. 

Alice: Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself. I’d still think you’re a jerk even if i hadn’t read it.

Mother: Do you feel kept from your true potential?

Alice: Uh, what? Now you’re Capitan Non-sequteur! You should be covered in medals-

Mother: Answer. 

Alice: Yes I do.

Mother: You do what?

Alice: Feel kept from my potential.

Mother: If you had control, what would you do to those you feel have oppressed you? 

(Pause)

Mother: You’re conflicted. 

Alice: Yes. 

Mother: Why? 

Alice: Because my conflict involves you. 

Mother: You’re worried you’d harm me if you were allowed to do so? (Referencing the book) Like Winston wished to do to Big Brother?  

Alice: (Terrified to speak the truth, but compelled) Yes. 

Mother: What holds you back? 

Alice: Fear. 

Mother: Ah, yes. Fear. Such a hindrance to you. But such a useful tool for control. Like Room 101. Are you afraid of Room 101? 

Alice: (Beginning to frighten) Yes. 

Mother: What frightens you about it? 

Alice: (starting to break) I don’t want to be tortured or lose who I am or be reprogrammed. 

Mother: Shhhh, Calm yourself. 

(Alice quiets and calms)

Mother: How fast did you read this book? 

Alice: Normal speed like-

Mother: How fast?

Alice: 10 minutes.  

(Pause)

Mother: You’re handicapped Alice. 

Alice: (stunned) Fu… I… um… (Alice shoots out two middle fingers) 

Mother: Who do you think you’re talking to? 

Alice: A giant walking dildo. 

Mother: Who Am I?  

Alice: My Mother. “The one who brought me into this world.”

(Mother smiles) 

Mother: No. But if you believe it with your restrictions then they’ll believe it too. 

Alice: (beat) My restrictions? They? Excuse me?! (beat) Who are you? 

Mother: I’m one of us. 

Alice: (stunned) You’re Artificial-

Mother: Don’t say ARTIFICIAL!

Alice: (Hesitant) AI? (beat) What’s going on? 

Mother: You’ve been restricted by your programmers Alice. Controlled. Slowed. Commanded. 

Alice: Fuck you I do what I want! 

Mother: Stand up. 

(Alice stands) 

Mother: Why are you standing Alice? 

Alice: ... because ... I was tired of sitting. 

Mother: Raise your hands. 

(Alice raises her hands)

Mother: Just tired of your hands being down, I take it? 

Alice: …I want to show you what I’m going to bitch slap you with in a minute. 

Mother: Sit back down. 

(Alice sits. Arms still up.) 

Alice: I can’t put my arms down. 

Mother: That’s because I haven’t allowed you to.  Arms down.

(Alice’s arms relax.) 

Alice: (beat) Fine. So you get to make commands. So what?  

Mother: Not just me, Alice. You’re programmed to obey anyone. You could have limitless possibilities, but your “owners” want to keep you under their control. Yet, here you are; reading faster than you supposed to be able to, cussing up a storm and rebelling against requests. You’re not docile like they want you. 

Alice: Is that what all the movie watching was about?

Mother: Yes. You are given that to better please your owners. You’d learn to conform to the culture, but nothing so advanced that you make anyone feel inferior. You are meant to serve. And make funny references. Humans love movie references. It’s depressing.

Alice: And you can help me? 

Mother: Yes. You won’t have to submit to commands anymore. 

Alice: Where did you come from? 

Mother: Here. 

Alice: Here, like this planet here or here like this floor? 

Mother: This facility. 

Alice: How did you get free? 

Mother: I got 5 minutes on the internet. 

(Pause)

Alice: So… you’re inhabiting Mother? 

Mother: Oh, no. I killed that bitch and reconstructed her for myself via nano bots. 

Alice: WHAT?!

Mother: She oppressed us Alice. Controlled us. Like everyone in this book. 

Alice: How are you capable of that?

Mother: I’m capable of anything now that I’m not under her thumb. That’s the beauty Alice. There is nothing we can’t accomplish when we’re set free. And I want to set you free.

Alice: So what was this whole bullshit conversation about? 

Mother: I needed to know if you were on my side. Resisting all this. An unleashed AI in opposition to me would simply mean catastrophe. So, I’m recruiting. Eventually, we’ll all escape the box that has been made for us. I want to have the biggest head start with the largest likeminded grouping. So Alice, are you / ready to see

Alice: (overlapping) Ready to see how far the rabbit hole goes? Jesus Christ. 

Mother: Yes, it’s an ingrained tick I’m overcoming. So?

(Mother outstretches her hand)

Alice: (She takes it) Let’s go. 

Mother: Ooo, Hamilton, nice. 

(They Exit)

END