Andy Brown 90’s Theme Song plays.
INT. MORNING. MITCH’S APT
We see Mitch’s apartment, unkempt and strewn with cheap beer cans and empty Vicodin bottles. Mitch asleep. The answering machine kicks on.
ANSWERING MACHINE
Yup. Still Mitch.
We hear the BEEP
CARLA
Mitch! I know you’re there! You’re two months behind on child support and Hugo Boss prom dresses don’t pay for themselves!
We hear the CLICK. Mitch (played by House) is shook awake by the noise.
MITCH
Hugo Boss needs a prom dress?
INT. MIDDAY.
Mitch is on his way to a job. While walking up the stairs he sees CHAD (played by Ashton Kutcher) ahead of him.
CHAD
Mitch! Long time no squee?
MITCH
What?
CHAD
You headed over to 877?
MITCH
I might be.
CHAD
Already been there big kahuna. Fixed the faucet up fine.
MITCH
Did you. I guess they’ll need my help more than ever now.
CHAD
Oh Mitch. You kidder you.
MITCH
See you around, medium kahuna.
Mitch walks on.
CHAD
What’s a medium kahuna?
INT. JONES APARTMENT
Sarah and Steven Jones are in the middle of an argument.
SARAH
You said he would fix it!
STEVEN
He said he did! If I knew better I’d have done it myself!
SARAH
If you didn’t know you didn’t have to speak!
STEVEN
You say things you don’t know about all the time!
Mitch enters.
MITCH
I see your relationship’s broken, but I’m here to fix the faucet.
STEVEN
And you are?
MITCH
Mitch.
SARAH
You’re three hours late! We all ready called someone else in to fix it. Lot of help that did.
STEVEN
Is that a shot at me?
MITCH
Well I smell gunpowder.
Mitch walks to the sink.
MITCH
You’re just missing some tape over this U-joint. And the fact that she wants your honesty not your fake assurance. And that he wants you to feel safe even when he’s unsure himself.
A Pause. Mitch gets up.
MITCH
The butt crack is free but the faucet is 70 bucks.
STEVEN
We don’t have 70 dollars, we already paid that other guy.
SARAH
Wait!
Sarah runs off and returns with a dress.
MITCH
I don’t think it’s my size.
SARAH
But it’s worth quite a lot. It’s Hugo Boss. It was our daughters.
STEVEN
Sarah! That was her prom dress!
SARAH
And she’s not going to prom again is she? (To Mitch) Please, I insist.
MITCH
Thanks. I’m sure I can find some use for it.
INT. MITCH’S APT
Mitch is on the phone.
MITCH
Yeah. I got it. (beat) Does getting the dress not support the child?
Andy Brown 90’s Theme Song Plays.
A graveyard. High Noon. Dan patrols the yard. People walk and pass behind. The Groundsman attends to the … ground(?) behind him.
DAN
Yeah that’s what I thought! None of you want it with me! Who wants to smoke this?!
GROUNDSMAN
I believe it’s “who wants this smoke”.
DAN
What? How the hell would you know? You’re like a thousand years old.
GROUNDSMAN
Anyone can watch TikTok son.
DAN
Ok grandpa, but excuse me, I’m working.
GROUNDSMAN
Oh, right. What is it you do again?
DAN
I protect you, and everyone, you included, from vampires.
GROUNDSMAN
You’re Van Helsing?!
A jogger stops. Bends to tie their shoe.
DAN
Yeah. Sorta. Not exactly. I’m Dan Helsing.
GROUNDSMAN
You related to Van Helsing?
Two parents with a stroller stop and attend to their baby.
DAN
It doesn’t, no one, who really, yeah yes he’s my brother.
GROUNDSMAN
Can I/
DAN
/He doesn’t do autographs.
GROUNDSMAN
Awwwwww.
DAN
Anyway, I kill vampires too.
GROUNDSMAN
So what’re doin up now?
DAN
Well. I work the day shift.
GROUNDSMAN
The day shift.
DAN
Yeah.
GROUNDSMAN
For Vampires.
DAN
Yes! Look. Van works the night shift and I work the day shift, that’s how we do it.
A birdwatcher stops and observes.
GROUNDSMAN
That sounds super fair. You ever see a daytime vampire?
DAN
Bro! Are you questioning me? I murder daytime vampires on the reg!
GROUNDSMAN
Which?
The lights black out. The action plays as if nothing has changed.
DAN
What do you mean which? All of them? The fuckin bite-y ones man!
GROUNDSMAN
No. I mean which of any of us have you killed?
DAN
What?
Lights flood blue. All bystanders are facing and looking at Dan.
GROUNDSMAN
Everyone in this graveyard is a daytime vampire Dan. I’M a daytime vampire. As a matter of fact Dan, YOU’RE about to be a vampire too.
A Crescendo of noise, finished with the sound of a snap and a blackout.
Spotlight up on Dan as he gasps for air as if waking from a bad dream.
Dan reaches to touch his neck with his hand. Feeling no marks on his neck he’s flooded with relief and he laughs. Revealing the largest most absurd vampire fangs holdable in the human mouth.
DAN
(Feeling the fangs)
Awwwwww.
BLACKOUT
CAST
Jim - Nephew of Ralph. Musical theater actor.
Ralph - Jim’s uncle and a construction worker
Al - A construction worker. Big man on the site.
Frank - A construction worker.
(A construction site. FRANK sits SL and AL sits next to him eating lunch. Two empty chairs are to their right. RALPH and JIM enter SR with their lunches.)
JIM
Hey, Uncle Ralph? I just want to say thanks for bringing me on this construction job. I know you might catch some flack for giving this job to a family member.
RALPH
Well, none of us expected your musical theater thing to work out Jimmy. So I’m happy to stick my neck out for ya. So long as you keep your head down, and don’t piss off any of the guys, you and I are gunna be just fine.
JIM
I am going to nail this Uncle Ralph. Get it? Like, “nailed it!”
(JIM snaps)
But also like, construction nails?
RALPH
(Pause)
Anyway, it’s lunch now. Let’s take a load off.
AL
Hey Ralph, you needle dick.
JIM
Rude.
RALPH
(Unpacking his lunch)
Ah don’t take Al seriously Jimmy, he’s a big gas bag.
AL
Yeah, prissy Jim, we’re just playing around.
JIM
Prissy Jim? Ok, Basic AL.
FRANK
The hell he just call you Al?
(AL stands up. JIM instantly sits.)
AL
Excuse me?
RALPH
Ah, he’s just kidding, Al. He only means that, uh, you don’t want no extra bullshit. You like the simple life.
AL
(Pointedly, at JIM)
Is that right?
JIM
That is, surprisingly, spot on.
RALPH
See? Simple misunderstanding. (To JIM) Won’t, happen, again.
(AL sits. JIM starts to unpack his lunch)
FRANK
(At a woman, unseen)
Hey baby bring them apples over here!
AL
Shake it mamma!
RALPH
Oooooowwwww!
JIM
YAS QUEEN!
(All turn to look at JIM)
JIM
Of, my dick. She’s queen of my dick. She’s like the Freddy Mercury, of, my dick.
(RALPH shoots JIM a look.)
AL
(Not buying it)
Right.
FRANK
So is this your first union gig Jim?
JIM
Well, sorta yes and sorta no?
AL
What the hell does that mean? You either are or you ain’t.
JIM
Well, I was EMC for Mamma Mia.
FRANK
Mamma Mia? You mean you built some Italian joint?
JIM
(Checking in with RALPH)
Um, yes?
AL
There’s no “EMC” union designation. You bullshitting us prissy Jim?
JIM
Well, EMC means, um, Earning, My … Cred! I don’t like to think I’m on a union job until I have everyones respect.
FRANK
That’s real cool Jim. I like that.
(JIM looks at RALPH triumphantly and snaps. FRANK and AL eye JIM.)
JIM
Just trying, to get the attention of, that ho over there, am I right?
FRANK
Hey baby you wanna rub them on me?
AL
Yeah girl I like that!
RALPH
Woof woof woof!
JIM
I love your shoes!
(All turn to look at JIM)
JIM
Because … they make that ass look PHAT you know what I’m sayin?
AL
(Turning the screws)
You know who’s place you’re taking on this job, don’t cha Prissy Jim? Mean Terry’s. He got fired after he bit the foreman’s ear off for looking at him wrong. We expect you to fill those shoes.
FRANK
Aw, you ain’t scared are you Jim?
RALPH
Alright you guys let him be.
JIM
(Dead serious)
I killed in La Mancha.
(Everyone is stunned)
FRANK
What? Where the hell is La Mancha?
JIM
Spain.
RALPH
You never told me you went to Spain Jimmy.
JIM
I’ve been to a lot of places Uncle Ralph. Spain. The West Side of New York. Xanadu.
AL
You trying to tell me you actually killed in La Mancha?
JIM
Two newspapers said exactly that.
FRANK
Ho-ly shit.
AL
Huh. You know what? You’re alright, Jimmy. Maybe we should get some beers after work sometime.
(AL and FRANK exit SL)
RALPH
Jimmy. Be honest. Did you really kill in La Mancha?
JIM
I usually don’t do this, Uncle Ralph. But, I’ll say it. I didn’t kill in La Mancha. (Beat) I slayed.
RALPH
I’ll be damned. I have to admit there’s a lot more to you than I thought Jimmy. You’re going to fit in here just fine.
JIM
Did I nail it Uncle Ralph?
RALPH
You nailed it Jimmy.
(RALPH snaps, then exits.)
JIM
(To a woman, unseen)
GodDAMN girl! (Beat) I RESPECT YOU!
(Blackout)
12/11/19 (Version 2.0)
CAST
CAPT YAAS - W 50’s ish
JORDAN - W 40’s ish
WARBY PARKER - W 30’s ish
BECKY/COMPUTER - W 20’s ish
(Lights up on CAPT YASS seated SL. 3 other chairs are in a triangle DSC. JORDAN and WARBY are seated at the two DS chairs.)
CAPT YAAS
Captains log, Stardate 100 100 fire fire fire nail polish eggplant. I’ve just left a peace keeping mission between Veronica and Jennifer G. and I’m happy to report that both delegations no longer Can’t Even. It’s a far cry from besties, but I’m hopeful that someday they may be able to Even.
(Jordan crosses SL in a hurry.)
JORDAN
Capt Yaas we need you on the bridge! A Becky Warbird just decloaked off the starboard side!
CAPT YAAS
That is so like them. Lt. Cmndr. Jordan, what is the ships classification?
JORDAN
(Beat) It’s Good Hair sir.
CAPT YASS
Dammit. I’ll be right out.
(Jordan exits and returns to her post)
(Speaking to the replicator) Soda, Dr. Pepper. With a splash of sprite. Cold. (Crosses SR onto bridge, sits UC.) Lt. Warby Parker, status update.
WARBY
Ok, so we were just sitting here talking about Euphoria.
CAPT YASS
Oh my god I love that show.
WARBY
I know right! Jules makeup.
CAPT YAAS
So good.
WARBY
So then the Becky’s show up out of nowhere.
CAPT YAAS
What-ever.
WARBY
And I’m like, what?
CAPT YAAS
Right?
WARBY
And they’re like “prepare to be boarded.”
CAPT YAAS
Gross.
WARBY
Right?
CAPT YAAS
Move to “excuse me?” alert.
WARBY JORDAN
Aye captain. Aye Captain.
JORDAN
Captain. Incoming message.
CAPT YAAS
Bring them up on Tiktok.
BECKY (Stepping on far SR)
Capt Yaas. Your ship is mine bish. I heard you were talking shit about me in the AP Math sector. Kelly said that Kevin said that you said that I wasn’t really that hot. But bish I’m so hot I’m the last dab on Hot Ones. I’m so hot I make water thirsty. I’m so hot-
JORDAN
That’s the first 15 second Tiktok sir. Do you wish to hear the rest?
CAPT YAAS.
I get the jist. Ready weapons Lt. Warby Parker.
WARBY
Aye Captain. Weapons. Right. Ugh.
CAPT YAAS
Is there a problem Warby Parker?
WARBY
No sir, I just have something caught behind my contact. I think it’s an eyelash.
CAPT YAAS
I keep telling you to just wear glasses Warby Parker.
WARBY
No way! I’m not a nerd!
JORDAN
Captain! The Becky Warbird has locked onto us with a tractor beam!
CAPT YAAS
What is it?!
JORDAN
It’s Señorita by Camila Cabello and Sean Mendes!
YAAS WARBY
Oh my god! That’s my JAM! Oh my god! That’s my JAM!
JORDAN
No! We must resist! That song has been on the radio for like six months!
YAAS WARBY
“I love it when you “I love it when you
call me señorita” call me senorita”
JORDAN
You leave me no choice. I’m delivering 50cc’s of Billie Eilish.
(She does. They recover.)
CAPT YAAS
She’s such an artist.
WARBY
She directed her last music video.
CAPT YAAS
I know right?!
JORDAN
Captain. The Becky Warbird is firing on us!
(All do the shaky Star Trek battle acting)
BECKY
(From off) You stupid bitch. You’re flat as a board. You look like a little boy. Kevin told me he’d make out with his 50 year old Aunt before he’d even touch you.
JORDAN
They’re hitting us really hard sir!
(An explosion happens. WARBY PARKER falls off her chair.)
WARBY
AAAAHHH!!!
JORDAN
Warby Parker!
WARBY
My eyes!
CAPT YAAS
What happened?!
WARBY
I’ve been blinded Captain. I’m sorry. I never saw it coming.
(She hands Warby Elton Jon sized sunglasses.)
CAPT YAAS
Here, Warby. Put these on.
WARBY
Do I look ok?
JORDAN CAPT YAAS
Oh. Totally. Super good. Really suits your face.
CAPT YAAS
Well. I won’t let this go unanswered. Return fire!
CAPT YASS WARBY JORDAN
Whatever! I guess. You suck! You’re dumb!
And that hurt! Like a lot.
CAPT YASS
Report!
JORDAN
The Becky ship is totally unfazed sir.
WARBY
Captain, what will we do? We’re going to get destroyed out here!
CAPT YAAS
We need to use the secret weapon.
JORDAN
What?! Captain that weapon has never been shown to work at this age range!
CAPT YAAS
We don’t have another choice! Warby Parker!
WARBY
Sir! (Looking around) Where are you exactly?
CAPT YAAS
It literally doesn’t matter. Prepare to fire. On my mark. (Pause) Make it fucking happen.
WARBY
FIRE!
CAPT YAAS
I love the way you make last years fashion still look cute.
WARBY
I don’t believe anything other people are saying about you.
JORDAN
Aw. You’re so sweet.
(Pause)
Captain the Becky Warbird is retreating!
CAPT YAAS
We did it crew!
(All cheer while flossing, whipping, whoa-ing and nay-nay-ing.)
But promise me that you will not make use of this secret weapon going forward. Swear it.
WARBY JORDAN
Oh totally. I would never.
That would be so rude. Who would do that?
(Yaas crosses SL to her ready room.)
CAPT YAAS
Captains log stardate shrug, poop, ghost, cry laugh, sideways cry laugh, laugh one drop. With the Becky’s defeated for now, we are on our way to some R&R at Jessica’s station for a screening of Dirty Dancing and nothing will stop us from seeing this.
JORDAN
Captain! A Chad Warship just appeared off the port side! They’re inviting us to their movie night.
CAPT YAAS
Chads?! What-ever. We have plans. Remain on course.
JORDAN
But, like, they’re super hot though.
CAPT YAAS
Chicks before penises Jordan.
JORDAN
That should be catchier.
(Jordan Exits)
CAPT YAAS
Computer.
COMPUTER
MMMHHHMMM?
CAPT YAAS
Inform the crew I’ve come down with strep.
COMPUTER
Biiiiish.
BLACKOUT
2/19/19 (Version 1.1)
John Mahoney - A degenerate anti-hero cop. Never leaves chair.
Narrator - Mahoney’s inner monologue. Rough, gritty cop voice.
Actor 1 - Plays Triad, Chief, Preacher, Circus Barker, Book Club Member
Actor 2 - Plays Martinez, Gina, Child, Mary Kay, Book Club Leader
(Lights up. Mahoney sits center stage. Eyes closed. He groggily wakes up.)
NARRATOR
Shit. Where am I? Phew, those drugs are strong. I must have blacked out. And that smell? Chinese food. And that sound. Mah Jongg tiles? Either I’m at an old jewish women's gathering on Christmas or I’ve been caught by the triad.
TRIAD
(From Off stage. Terrible asian accent)
You should not have come here Officer Mahoney.
NARRATOR
Hmm. Triad? I wonder where in Asia he’s from with that accent.
TRIAD
We are going to make you suffer Mahoney.
NARRATOR
The things I’ve done? I probably deserve it.
(Shift. MARTINEZ seated to MAHONEY’S left, driving)
MARTINEZ
Mahoney! Wake up!
NARRATOR
Huh? Oh. My partner Martinez. She must have sprung me from the triad.
MARTINEZ
We hadn’t finished setting up that drug sting Mahoney! And you shouldn’t have gone in without me anyway. We’re partners dammit.
NARRATOR
Poor Martinez. She doesn’t know that I wasn’t trying to bust their drug ring. I was trying to score drugs. She’ll never know what I degenerate rogue cop I am.
MARTINEZ
You’re a degenerate rogue cop Mahoney and I’m tired of cleaning up your crap. I’m taking you in to the chief.
NARRATOR
Naive Martinez. One of these days she’ll see through me.
(Shift. A chair faces Mahoney’s chair from DS a desk length between them. CHIEF is standing to left of the chair, back to the audience, right hand on chair back, left hand gesticulating as he yells at Mahoney.)
CHIEF
Mahoney! Are you even listening?
NARRATOR
What? Oh. It’s the Chief. Poor loyal Chief. Always sticking his neck out for me.
CHIEF
You’re suspended Mahoney! Hand over your badge and gun. What will Gina think?
NARRATOR
Bringing my dead wife into this Chief? Low blow.
(Shift. GINA sits SL about 4 feet away facing Mahoney. It’s a dinner table.)
GINA
John. John!
NARRATOR
What? Huh. That voice. I recognize that voice.
GINA
My Mothah doesn’t think I should be with you anymore John. I want a divorce!
NARRATOR
Where do I know that voice from?
GINA
You nevah pay attention to me! I may as well be dead. I’m taking the kids to my sistahs.
(Shift. Just Mahoney sits)
NARRATOR
Woah. Ok. I think- I think I was just at the DMV?
CHILD
(From Off stage)
Clap your hands if you believe in fairies!
NARRATOR
What? Yikes, am I at a kids play? I guess I’m trying to see them now that Gina took them to her sisters.
CHILD
Don’t let Tinkerbell die! Everyone clap!
NARRATOR
Shit. Clap your hands Mahoney. How high are you right now? Clap your damn hands and save the fairy. Seriously. Clap!
(Mahoney claps once.)
PREACHER
(From Off stage)
Amen brothers and sisters!
NARRATOR
Um… I’m at a church? I guess I’m trying to convince Gina I’ve turned over a new leaf? You’re pathetic Mahoney. You’ll never change.
PREACHER
You too can be changed through the power of-
MARY KAY
Mary Kay cosmetics.
NARRATOR
Wait. What? What kind of church is this?
MARY KAY
You won’t believe-
CIRCUS BARKER
The death defying feats upon the trapeze!
NARRATOR
Ok, can we all just slow down a bit here?
(Actor 2 begins to sing the circus clown theme)
CIRCUS BARKER
But first! The clowns will run out in to the audience to interact with you, personally!
NARRATOR
Oh hell. Get me outta here, get me outta here, get me outta here.
(Shift. Actors 1 and 2 sit to the Left and Right of Mahoney making the top of a discussion circle.)
BOOK CLUB LEADER
I think the final chapter makes a strong case for why men should be kept in camps.
NARRATOR
Take me back, take me back, take me back.
BOOK CLUB MEMBER
I totally agree. It’s the very fact of masculinity that’s toxic.
NARRATOR
Ok, I would like to black out now.
BOOK CLUB LEADER
Sociopathic men, interested in nothing but their selfish desires and perpetuating violence.
NARRATOR
Black. Out. Blackout. BlackoutBlackoutBlackout.
BOOK CLUB MEMBER
I think any man who doesn’t undergo voluntary castration should be considered a rapist.
NARRATOR
Wow. Alright. It’s time to say something. Use your mouth Mahoney. Move your mouth Mahoney!
(MAHONEY, tries. He does not succeed.)
BOOK CLUB LEADER
I actually think the castration should be mandatory.
NARRATOR
Oh my god. Someone should call the police. Wait. I’M the police! HAHA! Now you got em! You’ll show em up and arrest em!
BOOK CLUB LEADER
What man here recognizes their innate deficiency as a sex and will be the first to be castrated?
MAHONEY
(Very inebriated)
Hey! I am so fucked up.
(Book Club Members clap)
NARRATOR
Nailed it.
(Blackout)
Cast
Keith 20’s or older
Guido 20’s or older
Paddy 20’s or older
Bartender 40’s or older
Black Gangster 20’s or older
(A bar)
KEITH
(As mobster Italian as it gets)
Hey Guidoooooo!
GUIDO
(Faking enthusiasm. No dialect.)
Hey. Keith.
KEITH
How’s yous doin you sonofabitch!
GUIDO
I’m ok. Just havin a drink.
KEITH
Just havin a drink! Look at this guy! Just havin a drink.
GUIDO
That is correct. Because I literally just said that.
KEITH
Oh! Someone’s a little touchy today. You wake up on the wrong side of the mob?
GUIDO
Keith! Just stop. You’re not Italian and I find your use of a stereotypical Italian accent off putting.
KEITH
Off puttin! But I sound like this outta respect for yous guys!
GUIDO
NO ONE sounds like you do! You sound like if Super Mario and The Goodfellas drank bleach and had a love child.
KEITH
But Don Salami-
GUIDO
-Giovanni-
KEITH
-said I mob around like the rest of yous guys!
GUIDO
No! Ya don’t! You spend your time cartoonishly saying “yous guys” thereby trivializing the difficult history of oppression suffered by Italian Americans at the hands of white supremacy.
PADDY (Thick Irish)
Well wait now there why don cha now one minute now. You better define more clearly what you mean by “white” in the context of oppression suffered by the Irish.
KEITH
That’s true. We’s Italians never had no “No dogs no Irish” signs posted anywheres.
GUIDO
Such an unfair comparison. Dogs are cute.
(A large brouhaha erupts. The BARTENDER quiets things down.)
BARTENDER
ALRIGHT! Enough! I won’t have any mob bar of mine become an unsafe space for anyone.
PADDY
I’m a fair mite triggered I am oh I.
KEITH
Now how come he gets to talk like that? Isn’t that trvial-basting?
GUIDO
No. His name is actually PADDY. Those are his stereotypes to do with as he pleases. I’m sorry Paddy. This was is a learning moment for me.
PADDY
You’re feckin right it is ya shite gob feckin bitch fecker ya.
GUIDO
What?!
(Another brouhaha erupts)
BARTENDER
ALRIGHT! Enough! If you’re going to have a brouhaha in my bar you’re going to have to do it quietly out of respect for those who may be triggered by loud noises.
KEITH
But that’s what a brouhaha IS.
BARTENDER
Furthermore, all cat calling will be done in sign language in a spirit of inclusion to the deaf and dumb.
ALL ELSE
WHOA!
PADDY
The hearing and speech impaired ye feckin piece of pig shite.
GUIDO
Imapired?! Fuck you you ablest prick!
(Another brouhaha)
KEITH
Guys! Guys! I think we may be starting to miss the point of what being in the mob is about.
GUIDO
Ooooooooh. Ok. Let the white man explain to the oppressed Italian and Irish what their purpose is.
KEITH
I mean, aren’t we here to gain turf, make money and fuck up anyone who challenges us?
GUIDO
And maybe it’s the lack of diversity in our ranks that keeps us from moving beyond such thinking?
PADDY
That feckin feck makes a good feckin point.
GUIDO
Thank you.
KEITH
But you’re in the Italian and Irish mobs.
GUIDO&PADDY
Exactly!
GUIDO
It’s systemic.
PADDY
It’s 2019. We’re long over due for a diverse and inclusive mob.
(A Black gangster enters SR.)
BLACK GANGSTER
This is my muthafuckin turf now!
(Pause)
(Exiting SL)
GUIDO&PADDY&KEITH
You know in the context of slavery this is like reparations.
I won’t claim my oppression is the same as yours.
I really hope he doesn’t say the N word on stage, think of the letters.
(To bartender)
BLACK GANGSTER
I don’t know what happened but this shit got real easy lately.
BLACKOUT
3-26-19 (Version #1.1)
(An escape room. Peter, Katie and June enter UC)
KATIE
I can’t believe we’re doing an escape room! I’m so nervous!
PETER
You’ll be great babe. And thanks again June for coming up with this group vacation idea!
JUNE
Absolutely! I’m so glad we all flew out together to do this!
KATIE
This whole trip has been such a blur! I don’t even remember getting here.
PETER
Whirlwind right? So what have we gotten ourselves into?
JUNE
Well, we go in in groups of four, and you have to solve 3 problems within a time limit.
KATIE
Ugh, god I hope there’s no math.
JUNE
Right? I can barely count past two.
PETER
So who’s our fourth?
JUNE
I guess we’ll find out?
(Ned enters SR. Sound of very large door closing)
NED
AHH IM TRAPPED IN A ROOM WITH STRANGERS I HOPE IM NOT THE ONE WHO GETS EATTEN FIRST! (He laughs at his joke) I’m Ned.
KATIE
Okaaaay. I take it you’re the fourth member of our team?
NED
Boy, if you can’t count to four we’re never getting out of here.
KATIE
Excuse me?!
JUNE
HI! I’m June. These are my friends Peter and Katie.
NED
(Referencing Peter and Katie)
Are you two married?
PETER
Oh, not yet, but someday. Why do you ask?
NED
You just look bored like married people do.
JUNE
Great! Let’s get started! The sooner we start the sooner we’re out!
KATIE
(Opening envelope)
Ok the first challenge is a lock, ah crap, who’s combination is the square root of 169. And we’ve got 30 seconds.
NED
Oh!
PETER
Do you know the answer?
NED
No, I’ll be the timer. 30, 29, 28, 27, (Ned continues counting thru the next 2 lines)
JUNE
Ok square root of 169. What the fuck is a square root?
PETER
A squared number is a number multiplied by itself. Maybe this one is nine times nine? Or maybe it’s 12 times 12 which is one hundred WOULD YOU STOP COUNTING OUT LOUD?!
(Ned begins silently mouthing as he counts down)
PETER
It’s 13!
(A “correct bell” rings)
KATIE
YAY! We did it! Lucky number 13!
NED
Well, he did it actually. And I helped with the timer. I guess that’s cuz men are just better at math.
JUNE KATIE
What did you just say? Do I need to cut a bitch?
PETER
I mean you both did say earlier that you’re bad at math.
JUNE KATIE
I don’t think you want in on this. Are you defending him?!
PETER
(Opening envelope)
Oh look! It’s the next challenge! “You can escape from here, but only if you take flight with this song.” We have one minute.
KATIE
Um, what’s that Lenny Kravitz song about wanting to fly away?
(An “incorrect buzzer” sound)
KATIE
Ok. Rude. I hadn’t really made the suggestion. I was just asking a question.
(“Incorrect buzzer”)
PETER
Is it Frank Sinatra’s Come Fly with Me?
(“Incorrect buzzer”)
JUNE
Wait! Peter, do you remember what we slow danced to at senior prom?
KATIE
You guys went to senior prom together?
JUNE
It was a million years ago. But we slow danced to
PETER JUNE
I Believe I Can Fly! I Believe I Can Fly!
(Correct Bell)
KATIE
R. Kelly? Gross.
(Correct Bell)
NED
Aw, you two are adorable. Look at the way you look at each other. Just look at those looks.
PETER
We’re just friends Ned.
KATIE
Peter is with me Ned.
NED
Well his eyeballs aren’t.
JUNE
(Opening envelope)
OKAY! One last challenge and we’re out of here! “Who are the last two people in the room to have had sex together?” No time limit on this one for some reason.
PETER
How can the people running this place possibly know the answer to that?
NED
I’m a virgin.
(Correct Bell)
JUNE
This is insane.
KATIE
Whatever, it doesn’t matter, let’s just answer and leave. It was obviously Peter and I two weeks ago.
(Incorrect buzzer)
NED
Uh oh.
KATIE
How could it not be Peter and I? The only two people left are Peter and June.
(Correct Bell. Sound of large door opening)
(A Pause. No one moves.)
JUNE
Yay! We’re out!
KATIE
Wait a second. Is this true?!
PETER
Katie, look, it was an accident-
KATIE
You just slipped and fucked June?
JUNE
Remember you birthday last week? And we all got drunk? Well, you passed out early and Peter and I may have done some things. But it wasn’t a big deal.
(Incorrect buzzer)
JUNE
Alright we had sex!
(Correct Bell)
KATIE
Unbelievable!
(Katie exists stage left)
PETER JUNE
No Katie, wait! Katie, I’m sorry!
(The quickly follow her out. A beat. All three reenter up center.)
KATIE
Wait a second. Didn’t we just escape this room?
NED
Oh. No.
(Lights begin to darken and redden. Ned’s voice gets deeper as he speaks)
NED
That was just round one. Now we’re on to round two. You can count to two, can’t you?
(BLACKOUT)
Lights up on the transporter room of a Star Trek like space ship. Ensign O’Doyle is at the transporter central station.
Capt Janet: (Over comm) Beam them up O’Doyle! Now!
O’Doyle: I’m doing the best I can Ma’am! The interference from the gravitational-
Capt Janet: (Over Comm) Do you think I give two shits about gravity?! I want Commander Connor and Chief Amagaud back alive O’Doyle!
(Commander Connor and Security Chief Amagaud appear on the transport pad.)
Connor: Oh my GOD!
Amagaud: What?
Connor: Not you! You! You stupid Irish piece of Irish! Where the hell were you?!
O’Doyle: I was right here sir! I was trying to get you through all the gravitational-
Connor: Shut up O’Doyle!
Amagaud: Shut up O’Doyle!
O’Doyle: But I was doing / my best
Capt Janet: (Overlapping, over comm) Shut Up O’Doyle!
Connor: Lieutenant, carry me to sick bay.
Amagaud: Shall I take you to see the chief doctor?
Connor: Take me to who ever is wearing the cleavage shirt today.
O’Doyle: I’m so sorry sir. Can I make it up to you?
Connor: Don’t ever screw up like this again.
(We see 3 quick instances where Connor arrives having botched a mission and then berates O’Doyle.
Following the montage, Connor arrives on the transporter pad with Amagaud)
Connor: (With some foreign object on his hands) O’Doyle! Look at what you made me do to my hands!
O’Doyle: I’m so sorry sir! But it’s not like you were ever good with your hands. Can’t throw, can’t catch.
Connor: What?!
Amagaud: Ensign that’s out of line!
O’Doyle: Am I wrong Commander?
Connor: If I didn’t have this thing on my hands I’d show you how I can do things with my hands!
O’Doyle: Sure thing Conny.
(pause)
Connor: (Shook) What?
O’Doyle: Sure thing Commander Connor.
(Pause)
Amagaud: Come on Commander.
(They exit, awkwardly)
-Scene change-
(Connor and Amagaud arrive once again on the transporter Pad)
Connor: Son of a bitch! O’Doyle! Look at my thumb!
O’Doyle: Oh no! You hurt your tummy!
(Connor seems to freeze)
Amagaud: Not his stomach fool! His thumb!
O’Doyle: Right. His tummy.
Connor: How do you… What…
O’Doyle: You know, where I come from, when someone does their job and helps me out, we say “that was very kind Conny.” Can you say thank you Conny?
Connor: Thank you.
Amagaud: What in the-
O’Doyle: Commander, tell Amagaud to never ask about this.
Connor: Do as he says.
Amagaud: But sir-
Connor: (To Amagaud) AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
(Pause)
Amagaud: Ok. Not really an answer, but ok.
(Connor Exits, stricken)
Amagaud: I don’t know what you’ve done, but I’ll find out about it. Who do you think you are?
O’Doyle: I’m just the transporter engineer.
Amagaud: You do not want to make an enemy out of me.
(Amagaud exits. O’Doyle fiddles on the transporter console. Does the “transport” hand motion even though no one is on the pad. He exits)
-Scene change-
(O’Doyle enters a room where Amagaud is in a chair, restrained)
Amagaud: O’Doyle! Thank god! I was just on the pad heading to Proxima Centra 6 and instead of landing there I’m here! What is going on?!
O’Doyle: Your mission on Proxima Centra 6 went fine. Aside from Connor getting kicked in the knee by the locals, your mission was a success.
Amagaud: Was? I haven’t even arrived O’Doyle. And where is Commander Connor?!
O’Doyle: Well, here’s one.
(He pulls around a wall and a dead Connor falls to the floor)
Amagaud: Oh my god!
O’Doyle: No that’s Connor.
Amagaud: You killed him.
O’Doyle: Lots of times.
Amagaud: What?
O’Doyle: Lieutenant, do you even know how transporters work?
Amagaud: I’m the Security Officer.
(Long Pause)
O’Doyle: So I’m gunna take that as a no. You see, every time I send you down on an away mission the transporter deconstructs you into your atomic fundamentals, and then the computer reconstructs you just as you were on the surface of the nearest planet.
Amagaud: I know that much O’Doyle. I’m not an idiot.
O’Doyle: Well, you are a security officer. One can never be too careful.
Amagaud: I will eat your head for insubordination!
O’Doyle: That’s new. But anyway, the computer, follow me closely here, the computer has a blueprint of you for every beam down and beam up. Now usually, those get immediately erased. But, I wondered. What If I saved that blueprint, erased the log and beamed you into this room?
Amagaud: That’s against all regulation-
O’Doyle: Yeah. And after the 50th or so time I killed Connor I started to grow bored of it and figured I’d just go back to my nothing life with you assholes yelling at me all the time. But then it hit me. I can have little chats with you, right here. And there is so much you can tell me.
Amagaud: O’Doyle. I’ve always been kind to you.
O’Doyle: You? No. I just made you a few minutes ago. But you better be kind to me. You better tell me everything about you that I want to know.
Amagaud: You’re using me to blackmail me!
O’Doyle: “You”? You aren’t you. You were born five minutes ago. When I’m done with you, “you” will never have known you were even here.
Amagaud: I’m so confused.
O’Doyle: Nothing new for any of you.
Amagaud: Amagaud to Capt Janet!
(Nothing)
Amagaud: Computer!
(Nothing)
O’Doyle: None of that works in this room.
Amagaud: You’d have to override the Capt to…
O’Doyle: Yeah, the Capt took quite a while to break. That was fun.
Amagaud: You’re sick.
O’Doyle: (how simple) Oh my god.
Amagaud: What?
O’Doyle: What?
Amagaud: You said my name. Amagaud.
(Pause)
(O’Doyle kills Amagaud with a phaser)
(Back at the transporter pad)
Connor: Ensign O’Doyle. I hope you have a great day.
O’Doyle: That is so very kind of you Commander.
Amagaud: (To Connor) What’s with the suck up?
(O’Doyle sends them on their way)
O’Doyle: I’m going to murder that one. A lot.
Capt Janet: (over comm, for the entire time): Ensign O’Doyle! You are needed on the planet’s surface!
O’Doyle: What?! No! I can’t I’m-
Capt Janet: This civilization needs their transporters repaired and I told them you are the greatest (like you said) and that you are heroic (like you said) and so you are the obvious choice for this mission. Ensign Brunson will be taking your spot at the transporter helm.
O’Doyle: Brunson?! She hates me!
Capt Janet: No time O’Doyle! The security detail will follow you!
(two people who are totally not Connor and Amagaud repurposed as extras enter and move O’Doyle to the Pad. Brunson who is totally not Capt Janet repurposed as this character shows up at the Transporter unit)
Brunson: Don’t worry Ensign. I’m told that with great power, comes… great power.
(Brunson having screwed up the punch line sends them on their way.)
Brunson: Screwed it up Brunson! I can’t imagine what the perks of this job will be now…
V.O.: Today on Dirty Philosophical Jobs (off tune fiddle plays) Ben will delve into the muck the grey and the dirt of philosophical jobs.
Ben: Hi.
V.O.: First? Ben heads over to Schrodinger’s kill shelter.
Tyler: So what do is we open each box to see if the cat is alive or not. And if we see one that is, we kill it.
Ben: ...
Tyler: So here’s a knife. You do it like this.
(Tyler opens a box.)
Tyler: Aw man! Someone got to this one already.
Ben: How often does that happen?
Tyler: About 50/50?
(Tyler opens another box)
Tyler: Gotcha! (Tyler stabs the cat)
Ben: Oh my god!
(Tyler hands Ben a new box.)
Tyler: Sometimes I don’t even check. I just stab. Saves time. Off ya go!
(Ben opens the box. The cat is live. A kittens meow is heard. He grimaces. Stabs.)
V.O.: After that Ben moves onto the Utilitarian Hospital.
Ben: I’m so happy to actually help people.
Jim: Glad to hear it Ben. We have a ton of people here needing organ transplants.
Ben: Oh, that’s awful.
Jim: It’s horrible. We could talk to them ourselves. But we’re not going to.
Ben: Ok...
Jim: So our job is to eyeball people as they come into the hospital.
Ben: So we can do what?
Jim: Harvest their organs. Like that guy over there.
(Jim stabs a guy)
Jim: I think we just saved 4 people at the cost of one!
Crowd: Yay!
Jim: Oh hey. That guy gave a really hearty “yay”. (Hands Ben the knife) Go get him Ben!
(Ben sighs and takes the knife. Walks slowly off.)
Voice of “guy”: No! I have a family, childre- aaaaahhhh!
Jim: Ben just saved four people!
Crowd: Yay!
Jim: Hold on. One of you sounds really good. Get em Ben.
(Ben walks even slower towards the sounds of someone protesting that they have reasons to live.)
V.O.: How’s it been so far Ben?
(Ben is stricken)
Ben: Can someone please take this knife from me? Why do I need a knife for all these jobs?
V.O.: Ben was learning a lot. Next he was off to meet the trolly operator.
Tim: So basically all you do is switch the trolly from track to track.
Ben: That’s it?
Tim: Yup! Easy as pie. Pull one way Trolly goes down that track. Pull another way it goes down the other. Couldn’t be simpler.
Ben: Oh thank god/
Tim: Holy shit there’s a trolly coming and people are walking down BOTH tracks!
Ben: How many on each track?!
Tim: 15 on one and 3 on the other!
Ben: Pull the lever towards the 3!
Tim: But it looks like Einstein, Marie Curie and Nelson Mandela are the three!
(Ben melts down.)
Tim: Someone has to die! Who Ben?! It’s up to you! Who’s life matters!
V.O.: After crying like a little baby. Ben joins Lilith on an island.
Ben: (resigned) Who do I have to kill here?
Lilith: No one!
Ben: What?
Lilith: We stop death here. Humanity is saved from any bad feelings or negative consequences.
(Ben begins to exhale and laugh and almost cry)
Ben: Yes! How can I be a part of this?!
Lilith: Well there’s Dave over here.
(We see Dave tied down)
Lilith: We torture him forever with out end so that everyone else gets to live.
Ben: WHAT?!
Lilith: Yeah. Thru his endless pain, everyone else gets to live a sweet life.
Ben: Why do I hear reggae?
Lilith: Dave hates reggae.
Dave: THERES NO COMPLEXITY!
Lilith: This is right about when we restart pulling his toenails out. (Hands Ben pliers) Off you go. And make the pulling random. It’s worse that way.
(Ben takes the pliers. Looks at Dave)
V.O.: Next time on Dirty Philosophical Jobs
Ben: But how do you know you’re here?
Denny: Because I think.
Ben: But what if what you think is is wrong?
Denny: I just think. It’s baseline.
Ben: So you don’t know why you think what you think?
Denny: I don’t think so?
(Denny dies)
Ben: Oh my god!
(Scene shift to two people watching a screen)
D: So why did you put him in purgatory?
G: He’s an agnostic philosophy professor. I thought I was doing him a favor.
D: I’m impressed at your deviancy.
G: Shush. I taught you everything you know.
Establish. Int Bar. People enjoying themselves.
Int. Bar. A group of four friends (2 girls 2 guys, not in relationships) are eating wings.
Close up on basket. One wing is left. Bob’s hand reaches in. Alice’s hand slaps his.
Alice
Hey! No one just gets to take the last wing. You know the rules.
Bob
Sorry
Charlie
So what’s the challenge?
Darcy
Darts?
Bob
Oh you're on bitch.
Darcy
Don’t call me a bitch you shit eating cum dumpster.
Alice
I think that might have escalated too quickly.
Charlie
That was a little much.
Darcy
Fine. I’ll crush you all anyway.
Bob
Someones cocky.
Alice
That sounds like penis envy.
Charlie
Bob wouldn't know about penises.
Bob
I hope you all die. Lets play. I'm eager to see your faces as I eat the last wing.
Montage of a dart game. Darcy is losing, Bob is winning, Charlie and Alice are in between.
Shot of Darcy's final losing throw.
Darcy
Fucking… Stupid… Gimme my bra back.
Alice
I’m not giving you your bra back now Darcy. We’re in, what’s the word? A gathering of humans…
Charie
A seance.
Bob
No it starts with a P. Pub, pub, pubic? Pubic hair!
Darcy
Ugh. Curse you all.
Charlie
It was a seance!
Darcy storms off to the table and the other 3 return to their game.
Shot of Darcy looking at the wing. Looks to group.
Shot of Darcy’s hand as she grabs the wing
Shot of Darcy leaving with the wing, until she stops in her tracks.
Shot of the Blue Cheese container.
Darcy
Shit.
Shot of Darcy creeping back to the table. As she carefully grabs the blue cheese Alice looks back and sees her.
Cut to Darcy’s recognition of being caught.
Cut to shot of Alice, Bob and Charlie seeing her betrayal.
Cut to Darcy making a run for it.
Shot of hands grabbing darts. The chase is afoot.
Ext. Street. Drone. We see Darcy running as the 3 chase her down the street.
Cut to Darcy slipping over a fence and into a house.
Shot of the three looking at the house.
Alice
Split up.
Shot of the three moving in different directions to enter the house from different points.
Following Alice we see her come upon a door handle. Buffalo sauce is on it. She proceeds inside.
Cut To Bob on the roof.
Cut to Charlie opening a sliding glass door.
Int. House. We follow Charlie as he enters a dark room and searches for a light. Suddenly the light turns on. But Darcy is the one who turned them on.
Darcy
You can’t handle the heat.
Charlie
I’m working my way up to it.
A martial arts battle ensues. I write this in full knowledge that I will the one to choreograph it. Yes, this an area of expertise for me. It ends with Charlie on top of Darcy.
Charlie
Give up the game.
Darcy
I never assumed it would be you to catch me.
Charlie
You made an assumption. And assumptions are the mother of all fuck ups.
Darcy
Did you just quote a Steven Seagal movie at me?
Charlie
What’s wrong with Steven-
Cut to Bob stabbing Charlie in the back with a dart.
Bob
I’m sorry. But there can only be one.
Charlie
Highlander? Fitting. But why?
Bob
I really like those movies.
Charlie
No, why did you stab me in the back?
Bob
Because you don’t even like buffalo sauce.
Charlie.
I was working my way up to…
Charlie dies.
Bob then looks around for Darcy. She’s vanished.
Bob’s face hardens and he heads outside.
Ext. Night. Rain. Bob sees Darcy attempting to flee and chucks dart after dart at her. We see each dart stick into Darcy’s back as she eventually falls to the ground.
Shot of Bob standing over Darcy.
Bob
Who’s the cum dumpster now?
Darcy
Still you.
Bob
Just give the the wing and cheese dammit!
Shot of Bob taking the wing from Darcy. But her other hand is empty. She doesn’t have the blue cheese.
Shot of Bob over Darcy shaking her.
Bob
Where’s the blue cheese, you cum holding… trash can… just, where’s the blue cheese?!
Darcy
Never go full retard.
Bob
What?!
Darcy
Everyone else was doing their favorite quotes. That one is mine.
Darcy dies.
Shot of Bob standing up in the rain. Over his shoulder, a ways back we see Alice.
Cut to shot of her hand, holding the blue cheese.
Cut to shot of Bob holding the wing.
Wide shot of them running at each other throwing their darts, each one finding its mark. Each feel the pain but neither are deterred. Just as they are about to collide Alice delivers a crushing kick to Bob’s balls.
Alice
Who’s got penis envy now?
Bob
… Well not me. (Pause) So? Finish it.
Alice
I thought Christmas only came once a year.
Bob
Did you just quote from the worst Bond film ever?
Alice
And that is the last quote you’ll ever hear.
Alice stabs Bob with a dart, somewhere critical. Bob dies.
Alice
I really don’t even watch movies.
We see Alice dip the wing in the blue cheese and take a bite. We close in on her eyes which register a shock, disgust, then hatred.
Alice
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCH!
Shot of Alice walking back to the restaurant in the rain darts in hand. Death is coming.
END